Anxiety

Farewell Anxiety

2007-04-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Commercial Zen. I will most likely be blogging on Steve and I's new joint venture far more than this blog, so update your Bloglines please.

And don't worry, there will still be plenty of anxiety in my life...

SUPER-ficial

2007-04-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

It seems like latey my conversations with everyone I know have been at the lowest common denominator. I end up discussing work and how it's busy but fine, which TV show was kind of funny this week, and weather in Flagstaff (with people I actually like). It's been really frustrating because I hate feeling like I'm just going through the motions with people. I'm usually really interested in what everyone is thinking and feeling, so how come I end up stuck in this rut?

After some thought, I decided that it was me. Why do I expect people to open up when I give the one word answers just like the rest of them.

Them: How is work?
Me: Fine

Them: Are you liking Flagstaff?
Me: Yeah

Them: What's new?
Me: Nothing

So without furter ado, and after the longest blog introduction ever, I give you more than you ever wanted to know about my life:

We had a fairly ridiculous heating bill this month because someone (I'm guessing me) bumped the thermostat and turned the heat all the way up to 90. We were sleeping with the windows open and talking about how crazy it was that spring had made our place warm up so quickly. I'm not sure exactly how long it was like that, but it was not cool.

My boss is really cool. Maybe it just seems so dramatic because I'm comparing her to the last witch, but she is funny and she takes me seriously and it's just so much better. Last Thursday at the end of the day she showed me a South Park clip that her significant other had sent her that was totally inappropriate. It was awesome.

We really want people to visit us. We have lists of specific places that we want to show each person who could potentially come to Flagstaff. We know that it usually makes the most sense for us to visit other people, but it makes me kind of sad to watch our guest room collecting dust after we were so excited that we could finally offer people a room to stay in. (Allison, Dennis and my parents, while they are welcome to come any time, are exempt from the guilt trip because they have been here and done that.)

I'm excited to go to Montana for Kyler's graduation. Even though it will be an extremely short trip (I think we'll be there for about 52 hours total), I'm really glad that I am able to go. My extended family made it a point to be at my graduation even though they had to travel thousands of miles round trip. I feel like being there for Ky is the least I can do to show my appreciation for how supportive they were of me.

Last night I had a dream that I was on the LOST island, and the secret of "The Others" was that they were all magicians, which was apparently scary. They wanted Claire's baby to learn how to run, but that didn't make sense for a baby to run, so she was trying to teach the baby how to drive instead.

Ok, I think that's enough. Now everyone needs to give me a deep, long-winded comment about themselves...

It's 10:50, do you know where your children are?

2007-04-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

I have hit the point tonight where I no longer feel the least bit tired. I was completely exhuasted when I got home from work, but now I could do laundry, run a couple of miles, and start finding a solution for global warming... Not that I will. I'll probably just keep watching the Simpsons and blogging. TV is good since TV is the enemy of thinking, and thinking is the enemy of sleeping.

There's really not much to report besides the fact that we've been eating vegetarian food (which Steven already reported), and that work has been busy but fine. I'm not very happy about not getting spring break, or summer break, or Christmas break anymore. Two weeks of vacation barely seems like anything, especially when you break it up and take it a few days at a time.

I am excited to go to California this summer. I feel like doing something crazy. I'm happy that we're responsible adults and all, but enough is enough...

Ramblings

2007-03-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

Half marathon here I come…

I have made myself a crazy 42 week training calendar for the half marathon in January. I have scheduled four runs four per week of varying lengths which will gradually increase until D-day. The long runs are all on Saturdays, so if we visit anywhere for a weekend, expect us to have a mapmyrun.com map handy.

The whole thing reminds me of getting a syllabus on the first day of class and thinking, “There’s no way I’m ever going to get all of this done!” But broken down into smaller chunks it seems semi-manageable. The runs for the next five weeks are pretty short, which is good because my body still needs to get used to the idea that I’m going to make it run at all.

Can’t I just change over to compact fluorescent bulbs and not get so dirty?

Yesterday I helped a couple of people from my office clean up the section of the urban trail system that we had adopted. At first I thought it was nice to be outside, but usually these clean-ups just end up with me wanting to punch out anyone who litters. It’s not the uplifting, feel-good kind of community service.

On my walk I found:
• About a million cigarette butts
• Partially empty cans/bottles of very cheap beer
• Two half-smoked joints
• A Keystone can that had been made into a bong
• Half a condom (?)
• A slightly bloody band-aid

It was gross.

Political/Comic musings

So lately I’ve been thinking about why I believe what I believe politically, specifically why I can’t be one of those “take care of your own” kind of people. I understand that if everyone in the global community had equal access to resources, taking care of your own family or micro-community may be the way to go. But we in the United States dominate more than our share of global resources, which is why we are one of the most powerful countries in the world.

And that made me think of Spider-Man, and the whole “with great power comes great responsibility” thing. In fact, pretty much every super-hero or protagonist in any of our stories, myths, and legends learns that whatever power he/she has must be used for the greater good (please excuse my Joseph Cambpell moment). So why would this principle, which has been passed down through the ages, not be applied to the country as well as to the individual? We have the power to change the world for the better, to protect those who cannot protect themselves and provide for those who cannot provide for themselves. And by joining together as group, rather than individuals, we increase our power.

The most frustrating thing to me is that we only apply this principle to war. We know that we have the greatest power with a governmentally-organized military. After terrorists strike, you would never hear one of our conservative leaders say, “Well, try take care of your own family, because we don’t support big government. If you want to go after these terrorists, buy a gun and a plane ticket and do what you will.”

But when it comes to protecting the global community in other ways – health care, economic support, education, etc. – it suddenly becomes an individual issue. “You need to figure out how to get health care for your own family, and if you can’t, it’s probably because you’re lazy and don’t have a good job.” Or, “If you want to help out people dying around the world because they don’t have access to clean water, that would have to be done through a private donation.”

It may sound hokey, but why can’t we use this power that we have been given responsibly? Why can’t we band together for peace, open-mindedness, preservation of our planet, elimination of poverty and disease, education and learning, and community? Why can’t we invest in countries to support their own sustainability, which would lead to a better quality of life for their people?

One person can make a difference, but 250 million strong could do much more.

MASH for your most deeply held beliefs…

2007-02-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Out of all the things that trouble me on a daily basis, the quest for spiritual truth is probably always at the forefront. I think a lot of people experience some sort of doubt in the area of spirituality or religion, but I find it plaguing me as I desperately hoping to find the “right” answer.

So when I stumbled across this “What spiritual type are you?” quiz, I thought I’d give it a shot. Hey, if a 25 question survey can tell me what I think, then more power to it. But what I found is that all of the questions it asked were the questions that I haven’t been able to answer. The only help it provided was narrowing it down to four choices and making me pick one.

And then what was my final result?

Spiritual Straddler – One foot in traditional religion, one foot in free-form spirituality

Thanks again for being so helpful, Internet. I could have told you that I had no idea what I thought before I took the quiz. I guess I need to remember that there is value in the search. And as hard as it may be, I need to recognize that I may never have all the answers. Even if God appeared to me right now and we chatted about the meaning of life and the afterlife and what my individual purpose was, I’d probably check myself into the loony bin immediately following, because in my head God and I just shared white chocolate mochas and waxed philosophical.

I do miss talking about spirituality though. It was so much a part of my growing up, and now it's really not on my radar as much. Hearing other people's views of the world and who God was and why we were here was always very comforting to me, even if their views were much different than mine... It's kind of like when you hear a lot of different people's views of some person you've never met, and then when you finally meet them, you can see all those different aspects. Or something like that.

Training Day 1: It must be the altitude...

2007-02-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

".... and even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through..."

Wow! Running's not so bad. It's beautiful scenery. I'm getting healthy. I can do this. Two miles is going to fly by.

"...and another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust..."

Hmmm... it's been a long time since I've really run like this. I forgot how it makes your chest hurt and your sides hurt and the cold air really burns. Even my teeth hurt. But I'm sure we've gone almost a mile now... Wait, .25 miles? Are you f-ing kidding me?

"...falling down the mountain, end up kissing dirt..."

I always thought it said "and I'm kissing ducks." But that's pretty much what I'm doing right now, isn't it? This is hard.

"...and I'll smile and you'll wave, we'll pretend it's ok..."

I'm dying! I'm dying! Did that girl just lap us? Why is she not dying? Stupid girl. I hope she trips on a big rock.

"...I wrote the gospel of giving up, but the real bombshells have already sunk..."

F this. This is ridiculous. I can't do this at all anymore. If anyone who knew me heard that I was going to try to run a half marathon, they'd laugh. I haven't even mastered casual walking let alone trying to run. Even my mom seems skeptical of this idea, and she thinks that if Becca wants to be a wombat when she's older, we should support her dream. Why am I even trying? I'm not a runner. I'm not athletic. I suck, I suck, I suck.

"...and the bass keeps runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin'..."

That's the only thing that's running anymore. I'm seeing black spots. How much longer?

"...acting stupid, getting drunk with my best friends, I couldn't wait for the summer and the Warped Tour..."

Running is so not punk rock. And I guess neither is working for a university in a quiet little mountain town. Then again, this song really isn't either. Not their best album. Must keep running.

"...runnin' down the avenue, see how the sun shines brightly in the city, on the streets where once was pity..."

Ok, just keep focusing on how nice it is. Oh great. Another girl who can actually run. Don't you feel special? And you have absolutely no VPL even in spandex pants. Dumb skank.

"...she's always running from something so many things ignored, I try to be not like this but I thought it'd make a good song..."

Is there any chance I'm going to do all of this again tomorrow?

So yeah, there are my ipod-interrupted reflections on the whole experience. If you can name all the artists and songs, you will win my self-respect. I'm realizing I've never done anything like this before. I've never really done anything that required this much forethought and work and discipline. I'm hoping I'll make it. Especially with being a good person being on the line. Argh!

*I accept no responsibility for music choices while running or the gratuitious comments by the voice in my head.

Maybe the first time opening my big mouth led to something useful...

2007-02-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I asked Steve if there were any organizations that planned mission trips that weren't really mission trips (or more specifically, a mission-type trip where you actually help people instead of just handing out Bibles like the Starvin' Marvin South Park). Something like a very brief stint in the peace corps. Since we already wanted to do some international travel, I figured this would be cool on a couple of levels:

You'd get to know people from the culture you were visiting, and not just on the superficial, talking-to-one-concierge-that-speaks-English-at-the-Marriott-where-you're-staying kind of way.
If you spend a lot of money traveling, it won't feel quite as selfish.
There would be organizers who would know where hospitals were, what shots you needed, how to get your paperwork, what kind of bug spray works best, and they might even have emergency PB & J if I can't handle Malawian food for two weeks straight.

So I did a little research in the last 15 minutes or so and found out that Habitat for Humanity Global Village organizes trips all over the world to build houses. I did something similar a few summers ago (well, like 8 years) and it was a lot of fun. It was very rewarding to see a house actually come together and know that you might be a tiny bit responsible for that (I mostly painted and mixed cement). I'm still looking at what some other options might be, but I'm excited that this type of thing exists!

An Inconvenient Truth...

2007-02-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

...was such a perfect title because that's exactly what it is. While the world was getting its scientific knowledge of "climate change" or "global warming" from politicians and biased media, we have continued to do irrepairable damage to our planet. And now...

Tomorrow the United Nations-backed Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) will release a major report with grim predictions for the coming decades, according to journalists who have seen draft versions of the paper.

If the IPCC's recent track record is any indication, the predictions will be no exaggeration, according to an analysis posted today on the Web site of the journal Science.

Read more: National Geographic

Which brings me back to Al Gore's movie. Criticize all you want, but I think he did an excellent job of presenting the facts and offering simple ways that we can all make a difference. Changing to energy efficient light bulbs or buying a car that gets better gas mileage are small changes that can make a huge impact. Sorry to go all hippie on you, but I don't understand how protecting our planet is really a political/partisan/polarized issue.

Side note: Since climate change is a huge threat to our country and the world, could we get some Homeland Security funding for a hybrid car?

Why Russ Feingold is my political boyfriend...

2007-01-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

Feingold has gathered various legal and other experts to testify, but the result is a foregone conclusion. "I am going to lay out the reality that Congress does have this power," Feingold said. "The president does not have the unilateral power to (continue the war) without our consent."

Feingold said a cutoff of funding six months after the law is enacted "makes sense, it is constitutional, and our troops will not be left in the lurch."

Under Feingold's plan, the administration would have to safely redeploy troops from Iraq except for those needed to target counter-terrorism operations and provide security for U.S "infrastructure and civilian personnel" there, and a "limited number" to train Iraqi security services.

Feingold Ups The Ante On Iraq Funding

Many Mini Blogs

2007-01-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have too much to say and can’t narrow it down to one thought. But, this will probably have to hold you over for a week or two, so read slowly.

23 is the new 22…

…only better. After mourning my old glory days, I realized that I didn’t have any. I have always been fundamentally uncool, and as such, can have no old glory days to mourn. The good news is, my glory days must still be ahead.

Despite being uncool, I was lucky enough to have some good friends and we had fun in our own uncool ways. And now, being 23 and older and wiser, I have realized that us uncool folk are in the majority, and since most of the cool people from our past are now divorced and working at Denny’s, we become cool by default. So that’s cool.

I think I’m done using the word cool for about a year now.

The best part of being married...

…besides all the being in love with Steve stuff is being an aunt. With the arrival of Zoe a week ago today, I have five nieces and nephews in all. (It bothers me that they don’t have a word that combines nieces and nephews like siblings does for sisters and brothers.) What’s interesting is how they can all be so different, even though they’re from the same family. Although, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised since Becca and I are related. Anyway, it’s completely amazing and I feel very lucky to be a part of all of their lives.

That being said…

…here are some of Steve’s and my (and Nate’s) possible pre-child(ren) travel plans:

2007 – California Disneyland & surf trip; Nebraska/Montana family trips
2008 – Fiji, New Zealand and Southeast Asia
2009 – New York – opening of the new Citi stadium
2010 – Mediterranean – Spain, Italy, Greece and other southern European countries
2011 – Vancouver, after it has been all spruced up for the 2010 winter Olympics
2012 – Costa Rica

For those of you keeping track at home, this would bring me to the ripe old age of 29. I think that sounds like a good age for someone to start calling me Mom.

Quarter-Life Crisis

2007-01-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Have I already claimed to have had one of these? Maybe this is my second. Not second quarter. Second crisis. Anyway… I’m having some issues with the prospect of turning 23. (At this point I’m happy I’m blogging so that the 24+ crowd can’t knock my teeth in.) It’s not that that 23 seems ridiculously old, it just definitely feels like a chapter in my life has ended. I’m no longer a student, I have a husband, I have car payments, I’m drinking coffee every morning and sometimes the music these darn kids are listening to today just sounds like noise to me.

Knowing how final it feels to have this chapter end has made me consider the prospect of all of the future chapters ending. There’s just something about it that feels so final. I think about having kids, and how my Not-Being-A-Mom chapter will abruptly come to a close. And I’m sure being a mom will be amazing and wonderful, but then I will never not be a mom again. And even being alive. Someday that chapter (or maybe it’s the whole book) will end. And even if the afterlife is perfect, I will never be living this life again.

It’s such a strange dichotomy, how things must end in order for things to begin. Right now I’m mourning the part of my life that has already passed. I guess the fact that I’m missing all the wonderful experiences I had is a statement to having lived well. Hopefully by my actual birthday, I will be over it and able to celebrate all of the good things that are just beginning.

Quote for the day: “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” – Mitch Hedberg

For a completely different perspective, check out my Being a Grown Up entry from when I turned 21.

And no, this wasn’t just a completely cheap attempt to remind everyone that my birthday is coming up.

Pathetic!

2006-11-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

I just had a conversation with my mom where almost all of the things I said either started with "I read in Prevention that..." or "I saw this TV show where..." It made me realize that I probably need to get out more. One story even started with "I was watching Tyra and..." But right now, I need to finish crocheting a sweater for my cat and watch my stories.

Happy Semi-Anniversary to Us!

2006-11-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

I just realized that Steve and I have been married for six whole months as of today. I love you Stevie!

Self Help My Bum -or- Maybe I'm More Screwed Up Than I Thought

2006-11-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Steve went to a presentation on Friday about balancing work and life. The speaker discussed how we all trade in our life energy for money, and it's up to us to figure out how much our life energy is worth or how much we're willing to give up or something like that. Anyway, he brought me back a packet that is supposed to assist you in figuring out what to do with your life. The main question in finding your passions is, "What did you like to do most in kindergarten?" Then you're supposed to use this answer to figure out what you life's work should be...

So here's my list. In kindergarten I liked...

1. Getting good grades or always having a green card in my pocket instead of a red one.

I guess this poses a compelling argument for grad school, but it's not really a life-guiding passion. But what I remember making me the most happy or unhappy was getting the metaphorical gold star.

2. Spinning as fast as I could on the tire swing.

Hmm... maybe I have a future in Cirque du Soleil, but I kind of doubt it. Or maybe I could have a satisfying career as a wheel.

3. Playing with boys on the playground.

I'm not even going anywhere with this one...

4. Lording things over Becca that I could do that she couldn't.

Although this is one of my favorite hobbies, I'm not sure I could make a career out of it.

5. Trying to find pretty rocks in the playground dirt.

Perhaps I have a promising career as a miner.

I do get the point of this exercise. I'm sure that some kids who love to color become artists and maybe some kids who build block bridges become engineers; but just because I liked playing with the hose in the backyard doesn't mean I was meant to be a firefighter. I wish my ideal career path was that obvious, but I don't think it's that easy for most people.

Right now I'm caught up in the "I want to help people" trap (as opposed to all the people out there who would rather have a job where they did physical and emotional harm to others). Besides crossing viking and professional torturer off of my list, I'm pretty much back at square one. I know it's a process and it takes time, but I'm impatient. So thanks a lot self-help lady for getting my hopes up.

Mini Blogs

2006-11-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

A lot of thoughts to get out, and I'm too lazy to post multiple posts, so here goes...

Not for the faint of heart...

This is a condition called black hairy tongue. It can happen if you don't brush your teeth or don't eat enough crunchy food. It has been haunting me every since I read about it, so I'm spreading the misery.

Something to run about...

I've never been a fan of running for the sake of running or running in a perky little group of size 2 women or running because it was the nicest day outside. The last year that I ran regularly was my junior year of high school. It was a rough year; I was breaking my church addiction, I'd lost a lot of friends, and outside of school, my life was pretty much homework and sleep. Then I started running. I'm not sure it was in a healthy way. It was more in a "Can I make the pain of running greater than the pain of life?" type deal. But it got me through. Towards the end of the year I threw myself into newspaper and started hanging out with National Honor Society officers. By senior year, I was happy and busy and conent.

Getting to my point, I've started running again. I've developed a pretty steady four mile-a-day habit. Once again I get to run off all of my frustration and occasionally, by the end of the run, things seem clearer. Although, I have to say I'm excited to settle back into Flagstsaff and to not be frustrated enough to run anymore. Then I can do yoga or pilates or kickboxing or other happy exercise again.

Flagstaff ho...

For those who have been living under a rock, Steve got the job at the Gateway and we are moving back to Flagstaff. Although I will miss one thing about Phoenix (Steve's family), I'm excited to leave the rest behind me. I miss simplicity and spontenaity and always having friends close by. It's hard to explain all the reasons why the move is so important to us, but we do know that we were happier there. Colder, but happier...

Desperate Housewife

2006-11-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

Where the expletive did all of this laundry come from? We each have like two pairs of work pants and maybe five shirts. So how come I'm on load number 8 and still going strong?

And the same with dishes. We don't cook all that much. But there are always dirty dishes in the sink. I'm convinced it's some kind of conspiracy.

But I guess housework is providing some distraction from the fact that I'm 22 and have already had two failed jobs since graduation and have no real direction for the future. Well, actually I have some direction, and that direction is north. North towards pine trees, short commutes and people with little to no tan.

Sayonara witch with a b...

2006-11-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Today may go down as one of the worst but most satisfying days in my short life. On Friday, I decided that I would give my two weeks notice on Monday (today). Since my boss, we'll call her "One Whose Parents Apparently Never Hugged Her" or OWPANHH for short, was out of the office on Friday, I emailed her to ask to schedule some time with her on Monday to discuss my future with AAA.

I never got a response, but I was determined to do things the right way. I went into work this morning with a very polite, generic letter of resignation and all of my notes that explained everything I do, a goodwill gesture to help her in training my replacement. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt... these things happen in the business world all the time, so it's highly unlikely that she would take it out on my personally. What I really excpected was that she would be almost unbearably passive aggressive, because as I said, apparently her parents never hugged her, but that I could handle.

I got into the office at 7:30 and she was already there. She usually doen't show up until 8:30 or shortly thereafter. I said "Good morning!" and she mumbled something in response, never making eye contact. I sat down, turned on my computer and started updating my daily spreadsheets. When I checked my emails, I found that she had written me seven, none of which addressed my request for a meeting, but all of which were making requests for work I had that wasn't supposed to be due for a week or two. All of the requests ended with, "You need to have this to me before you go to lunch."

Then the loud phone calls started coming. The first couple were apparently to prospective new employees. "I have a position open immediately. It's entry-level, so I don't really know if you would lower yourself to taking that, but I need someone if you're interested." At this point, it became clear to me that she was trying to set me up. Completely overloading me so that she could say I didn't get work done on time. A noon deadline so that she could get rid of me AFTER I had completed all the busy work she didn't want to do. I was irate.

After this there was silence, she walked in and out of her office a few times (through mine) without ever saying a word to me or making eye contact. Then she made the phone call that was the final straw. It was a personal call, asking someone about their kids and their move, then she started in with "I'm sure you've heard about my situation, what she did to me on Friday. Yeah, she actually thought she could get away with it... Right HAHAHA... Yeah, I'm trying to get her replaced right now.... Yeah, really, HAHAHAHA."

**Side note: For those who don't know, our offices are attached so she was well aware that I could hear every word.

At this point I was done being her punching bag. I wasn't going to give her the chance to put any more notes in my file, or even fire me if that's what she had decided to do. I crafted a nicely-worded letter to HR explaining that I had really wanted to give proper notice but I feared that my boss would make the next two weeks extremely unpleasant and for my own health and happiness, I had to resign immediately. I printed it, attached it to my nice two-week-notice letter, stood up, grabbed my stuff and walked out silently. I dropped off my letters, expense reports, badge and cell phone at the front desk for HR on my way out.

I guess I'll never know what happened there after that. Although, considering that she doesn't know how to update the website, or where the RSVPs are for the many events we're having or where my research is for the six or so releases that were supposed to go out this week, she may regret a tiny bit that she couldn't have just treated me like a human being.

But for the first time in about three months, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I went in to face her and try to do the right thing, and I'm proud that I had the guts to stand up and walk out when it became obvious that she wasn't going to allow me to do what was right.

Whether this means I get a temp job or I work at Starbucks, this is one decision I don't think I'll ever regret.

Prayer or something like it...

2006-10-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Dear God, the Universe, the collective consciousness, or whatever else you prefer to be called,

I am not of the opinion that we are merely puppets that are subject to you whims. I don't believe in fate, per se, but I'd like to imagine that you have a hand in guiding us on our paths. But if this is true, I must ask you, what lesson am I supposed to be learning from this current experience?

I ask myself every single day why I seem to be the only one struggling so badly. I understand that compared to many in this world, my burdens are small and insignificant, and yet I find myself sinking. Each day my every flaw is flaunted and rubbed in my face until even I start to believe that I have nothing to offer this world.

And so I sit here with no love or humor or happiness left to give and wonder what I'm supposed to be learning from this, and how much more I can take. I’m not sure how much I have left in me. I don’t know how many more smiles I can fake and how many more tears I can hide before it just all becomes too much.

I have nothing to ask for, because I’ve been given everything and I still can't make it work. I guess I’m hopeless.

Amen.

Doormat

2006-10-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

Lately apologizing has become sort of like breathing for me. I apologize to inanimate objects I bump into. I apologized to the lady who slammed the door into me at a restaurant yesterday. Sometimes I apologize randomly, completely out of nowhere. Steve and I will just be walking around a mall, and all of a sudden I can hear the words leaving my mouth for absolutely no reason.

It sounds bizarre, but I think it all stems from a desire to be selfless. I am trying to protect everyone's feelings, so consequently I end up accepting fault for things I had nothing to do with. I use the preemptive apology to put an end to any discomfort the other person may be experiencing by placing blame on themself.

This has had two unintended consequences:

1. It makes me completely resent the people I apologize too, especially when they don't counter with their own apology. If I apologize for a mistake that I'm partially responsible for, and the other person just accepts it without apologizing to me as well, I lose all respect for them. In my mind they immediately turn into a heartless creature who has no respect for other people's feelings. And it is rude. I'm willing to own up to my mistakes, even when they're not really my mistakes. If they're not willing to own up to legitimate faults, then I can feel nothing for them but contempt.

2. I start to believe that everything really is my fault. Computer errors. Traffic jams. Illnesses. The situation in the Middle East. I carry with me the burden of believing that if I was somehow better, these things wouldn't happen. And whether it's a consequence of my attitude, or whether I'm just around some really messed up people, I get the feeling that a lot of people around me feel the same way: that I am somehow responsible for every little thing that goes wrong that's even remotely connected to me.

It's not a good way to live and I wouldn't recommend it. Trying to please everyone all the time can only mean disappointment, but I can't seem to help myself. And since we've been in Phoenix, it's been worse. Maybe it's becasue Flagstaff was full of touchy-feely hippie types who recognized you when you did something well, but I miss being occasionally told that something wasn't my fault, or even that I did a good job.

Author's note: While I appreciate the sentiment, any comment regarding this post that starts with "Look at the brightside" or anything similar will not be regarded kindly.

In other news, we went to Flagstaff this past weekend and had a fabulous time with Bryan and Colleen. We got to go to our fifth annual scary movie for Bryan's birthday. The Grudge 2. Very scary. We also go to play Texas Hold 'Em, frisbee and eat a lot of good food. Even though it does have snow, Flagstaff is generally traffic, ego and @$$hole free, making it a place I didn't give nearly enough credit while I was there. Let me take this moment to apologize for all of my anti-Flagstaff posts.

Nate's coming to visit this weekend and I can't wait for him to be here! I don't tell him enough, but it means so much to me that he takes the time to fly down and visit. I honestly can't imagine a better friend to have. Hopefully we'll find some fun things to do during the time I don't have to be at Peoria Sports Complex for my bleeping work.

Adulthood is the new junior high/Steve's birthday

2006-09-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

Remember junior high? A bunch of kids prentending to be cooler and more sophisticated than they really were, talking about how they were adults now and how rough their lives were? Then in high school it slowly started to fade, and by college most people had dropped the whole facade and were happy just being themselves. I, for one, was relieved that I'd never have to re-live the whole junior high experience.

But I'm finding the real world, the working world, the adult world is a lot more like junior high than college. I'm sick of people driving around in their BMWs and Escalades with their STUPID blue tooth ear pieces on, sipping on Starbucks and acting like they're better than everyone else. I'm also tired of hearing about how hard everyone's job is. It's a job, it's work. I understand that you're busy because that's what work is. Everyone who has a job is probably a similar amount of busy, so it's not worth talking about.

Also, everyone has lost their sense of humor. Since adults are too sophisticated to laugh at "your mom" jokes or dare each other to lick a toilet seat, all that's left to talk about is the weather and how busy we all are. I really hate it. Really really really.

For Steve's birthday we're spending a weekend in Sedona and going to Out of Africa to see lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). Not as good as a real African safari, but it is the best Arizona has to offer. Also, we're going on Sunday which is a feeding day.

"Follow our animal caretakers on a PREDATOR FEED as they throw 800 pounds of raw food to anxiously awaiting carnivores. This is an opportunity to see how large animals, such as lions and tigers, eat."

Now that's a good time!

thought vomit

2006-09-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

**a direct rip-off of Steve's word vomit...

Lynda Carter is Hispanic?

According to the Arizona Republic, people who live in apartments are poor, and since they are poor, they are too dumb to know how to recycle.

I think they need some kind of voter enewsletter that tells you know exactly where, when and on what you will vote. It should have reminders.

I like Janet Napolitano better in person. Except her hair. I know that's shallow.

Drama is everywhere. There's no escaping it.

I'm happy that my family came to visit. I was coerced into saying this. :-)

Maybe Flagstaff wasn't so bad...

Steve's birthday present is the coolest present ever. At least I hope so.

I'm It

2006-08-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

1. One book that changed your life? I Am Charlotte Simmons. It at least changed the three-month period after I read it where I was completely depressed.

2. One book you have read more than once? 1984. One, because it was really interesting. Two, because I think I managed to do book reports on it every year from 8th grade to senior year.

3. One book you would want on a desert island? A really big one I could use as a raft.

4. One book that made you laugh? A Prayer for Owen Meany

5. One book that made you cry? A Prayer for Owen Meany... It was a very emotion-inducing book.

6. One book you wish had been written? The great American novel by a female author.

7. One book you wish had never been written? I'm going with Steve. Ann Coulter should not get book deals.

8. One book you are currently reading? AAA Policies & Procedures... I also read Inviting Silence recently and think I should read it again. It's a very simple read, but I think the issues are too complex to get in one run.

9. One book you have been meaning to read? Angels & Demons. I'm supposed to be borrowing a copy from my Mom, but it looks like I'll have to wait a couple of weeks.

10. Now tag five people: I think my supply is tagged out

Boo...

2006-08-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

So it's getting dangerously close to 12 hours since I have last seen Steve. I don't remember the last time I haven't seen Steve for 12 hours. Even on our wedding day I think it was only like 8. In any case, I don't like it.

I hope it's not just a newlywed thing. I hope I always feel like this.

Gainfully Employed... Again...

2006-08-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

Since people are now being referred to my site, I figured I should quickly post something about my new job...

I have a new job!

My official title is Public Affairs Specialist I for AAA Arizona. I'm going to mainly work on press releases, web site content, media archiving and serve as a back up spokesperson if no one else is availabe. So far, no pickles.

I'm approaching this one with cautious optimism. I'm excited, but I'll wait a few weeks before I drop words like ecstatic or love.

For the love of all that is good in this world...

2006-08-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

Being unemployed is taking a huge toll on my taste in music. For some reason all day I've just been alternating Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" and Bubba Sparxxx "Ms. New Booty"... It's like my subconscious is telling me, "Fine, if you're going to sit home like a loser you're going to listen to loser music." Although, I have been known to love a Justin Timberlake song or two in my time regardless of employment.

Music was the lightest topic I could think of to discuss. Mostly these days my thoughts are filled with questions far too big for blogging. The main one is "Is humanity on the verge of destroying itself? And, if this is the case, what can I do to stop it?" I think I'm about to jump on the "These are the end times!" bandwagon, only minus the getting sucked up to heaven by a God who is so happy that we destroyed the world that he rewards us by saving us from the consequences of our own actions. I understand that my attitude is a tad fatalistic, and I'm sure many would say "Why worry so much about something you can't change?"

But that is exactly the problem. There are too many people in this world who are not worried about the consequences of our actions. We are moment by moment altering humany history, and while it is easier to just put thoughts of nuclear war, famine, disease and global warming out of our heads, that means that we are blindly marching towards a fate where we have given up our power to change course.

So right now, in this moment, can we honestly say that we feel that it is fine that there are thousands of US detainees around the world who have not been given their right to a trial? Is it ok that Bush administrators are censoring scientific reports in order to coincide with their own agendas? Is it ok that our civil rights are slowly dwindling down to nothing? How soon before we fear our own controlling government more than we fear "terrorism"? And if these issues are not personally affecting us (yet), is it really ok to just ignore them until they do?

I've thought a lot about it, and although it's easier to live in blissful ignorance, I'd rather go down fighting.

Don't just do something, sit there!

2006-07-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

I can't take credit for the title. It was in some article I was reading about change, but it really struck me. Finding myself once again unemployed has made me want to change my approach for the next job search. For instance, maybe rather than just desperately seeking anyone willing to give me a job, I should take a little time to figure out what I want to do. And if I need to be a Starbucks barrista while I figure it out, so be it. (Or maybe Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf?)

Taking time to stop and reflect on what I want to do with my life is really hard for me. I feel like I always need to have tangible evidence of what I am currently accomplishing. Up until now, report cards have basically been my bread and butter. If I ever needed validation that I was still a worthy human being, I could just look at my GPA and feel better.

Now with no impressive job offers, no honors, no recognitions and no report card in sight, I'm finally being forced to deal with my self doubt. What if my only real talent in life is standardized testing and beyond that I'm not even cut out for entry-level administrative work? What can I do that will give me the same sense of accomplishment that school did? What do I really have to offer this world and how am I going to go about it?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions. Honestly the idea of pursuing any of them very far scares me quite a bit. But I must face my fears and just sit there. Sit quietly and try to find the meaning of my life.

Neuroses!

2006-07-21T00:18:00.000-07:00

Like I said a couple of posts ago, I'm not really digging my new job. In the grand tradition of breakups, I want to tell them "It's not you, it's me." And for those of you saying to yourselves, "She has an office with real walls, what could be so bad?", I wanted to clarify exactly how crazy I really am so that you can see why this job has put me right on the border of a big bad breakdown.

Neurosis #1

I can't initiate contact with people, especially on the phone.

I don't have a logical reason why. That's why it's neurotic. The only people I can call are my parents, Becca, Steve and Nate. Maybe 911. Beyond the telephone, panicky thoughts can arise when I'm faced with asking a store clerk for a different size, ordering Starbucks or cheerily poking my head in to say good morning to my co-workers.

Why This Is Bad For Work

Phone calls are apparently my "calling" at work. (Haha, get it?) It seems that almost every day someone has found a new reason to call up all 100 team captains to tell them some innane detail of "Team Week", "Blitz Day" or pickle delivery. Also, I've called every health club in Phoenix to find out if it's ok if I bring them a poster.

Neurosis #2

I'm paranoid.

This presents itself in a variety of forms, including but not limited to: hypochondria, some phobias, and thinking I have something on my face. Many a night I've made Steve look at a bruise to see if it looked somehow like a bloodclot or check downstairs to make sure the door really is locked.

Why This Is Bad For Work

I'm already convinced all the team captains, 75% of my co-workers, and 50% of the MS150 committee hate me, or at the very least, have a strong distaste for me. Also, when I'm doing deliveries I'm scared that every man I see is either the Baseline Killer or the sniper.

Neurosis #3

I have a strong distaste for schmoozy people.

I'm not sure if this is really a neuroses, but individuals that most people find "charming" and "outgoing" are people that I find annoying, unprofessional and oftentimes they do not turn out to be the brightest crayons in the box. (Case in point: W)

Why This Is Bad For Work

Apparently development = schmoozing. I thought I could get away with just being polite and genuine, but from what I've found, that's not at all attractive in the biz. They need the girl who says "Oh, Mr. Smith, I'm so so so excited to meet you. I've heard your quite a ladies' man and I can tell why! HAHAHA. No but seriously... We have to have lunch sometime and you'll tell me how you stay looking so young." But what I say is, "Hi Mr. Smith. I'm Rachel. Do you have any questions about the ride? No? Good."

Sidenote: For some reason when I was writing Mr. Smith I could only think of Kevin Smith. And Kevin Smith wouldn't buy any of that schmoozy bull... stuff.

Neurosis #4

I use humor as a defense mechanism. Case in point: this blog. When you get tired of crying yourself to sleep at night, and you haven't eaten a real meal in three days, the only way to deal is with sarcastic comments and a Kevin Smith reference.

Why This Is Bad For Work

Because I'm trying to write witty blogs at 1 a.m. rather than sleeping. Guess I won't be fresh as a schmoozy daisy tomorrow.

I broke our baby...

2006-07-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Well, actually some other guy did, but I still feel terrible about it. Yesterday, while on my way home for lunch (which I wouldn't normally do, but I was making deliveries for the rest of the day), traffic in front of me on the 202 stopped abruptly, I stopped abruptly, but the guy behind me didn't stop so abruptly. Long story short, we were left with a pretty beat up brand new car.

The only other time I've been in an accident, I was either unconscious or being taped to a board, so I didn't have much input in the process. Luckily, a UPS driver came back and told my side of the story (the guy who hit me had a very different story). In any case, I wasn't involved in the filing of the police report or any insurance claims, etc., so I guess this is just another fun lesson in being an adult.

Even though I was pretty shaken up and kept telling Steve wrong information about where I was, he still managed to find me before the police report had been filed. This also caused him to have to reschedule his interview, which I also felt pretty terrible about. So if everyone could think good thoughts for him at 11 a.m. today, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

Let's make that like 1 1/2 cheers...

2006-07-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted to complain here, but the only thing I could really think to complain about was myself. I'm not ecstatically excited about my new job anymore. It is a really nice entry-level job with good pay and great benefits. I have an office with a closed door and everyone is very friendly. So why could I possibly be unhappy?

As I think I have said in posts before, I'm kind of an acquired taste (like fine wine or squeeze cheese). I'm usually quiet, but genuine, or else I'm just sarcastic and obnoxious. So trying to be outgoing, charming and charismatic in order to build relationships is rough for me. I feel awkward calling 200 team captains for the third time in a week in order to arrange the drop off of appreciation pickles at their homes or places of business. I feel weird striking up a conversation with anyone who works in any business that eventually leads to me asking them for money or gifts. I can't sell shoes to snakes or ice cubes to Eskimo's or DSL to elderly ladies who don't know what it is.

The bottom line is, I'm not sure that I'm their girl. So what now?

Three cheers for gainful employment!

2006-06-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

So on Wednesday, July 5 I will have my first day as a Development Manager for the Arizona chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. I've been trying desperately not to think about it for the past two weeks because I didn't want to end up disappointed but I also didn't want to jinx myself into not getting it. In any case, I couldn't imagine a better first real job.

From what I understand, my main responsibilities will be helping to coordinate the annual walk and bike that raise money for the foundation, as well as planning smaller events in between. It's the highly detail-oriented work I love, and the best part is that it is for a cause that I really feel like I can get behind.

In any case, I feel very grateful for the opportunity and I cannot wait to get started! Also, our new place is awesome and we are already feeling right at home here. We were very appreciative of everyone's help with the move, and we felt very lucky that Nate spent his whole vacation here putting together IKEA furniture. (I promise if you come back in 8-10 weeks, we'll just do fun things.)

I'm trying to think of something sarcastic or cynical to say, because happy blogging is just not me, but right now I'm drawing a blank. :-)

Everybody do the limbo!

2006-06-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Limbo:

(1) According to some Roman Catholics, limbo describes the temporary status of the souls of good persons who died before the resurrection of Jesus, and the permanent status of the unbaptised who die in infancy (without having committed any personal sins, but without having been freed from original sin).

Limbo comes from the latin limbus meaning a hem or an edge or a boundary. While "limbo" is often popularly understood to be a "place where souls go", the term also describes and reflects theological uncertainty. As such, limbo is not part of the Catholic religion's official doctrine (compare purgatory, which is a part of Roman Catholic doctrine). Official Church teaching remains that the status of these souls (who don't seem to deserve hell, yet cannot follow the divinely-revealed path to heaven) is in limbo – in other words, their fate cannot be determined by any but God.

(2) A novelty dance that originated on the island of Trinidad. The dancer moves to a Caribbean rhythm, then leans backward and dances under a horizontal stick without touching it. When several dancers compete, the stick is gradually lowered until only one dancer - who has not touched the stick or the floor - remains.

(3) In Dungeons and Dragons, fantasy role-playing game, Limbo or more fully, the Ever-Changing Chaos of Limbo, is a chaotic neutral-aligned plane of existence. It exists as one of a number of alignment-based Outer Planes that form part of the standard Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) cosmology, used in the Planescape and Greyhawk campaign settings, and the Forgotten Realms campaign setting before 3rd Edition (when it was quietly replaced in a retcon with a new cosmology).

It is a place of pure chaos where everything is in constant motion and change, especially the landscape, which can shift unpredictably and randomly rolls over upon itself like liquid. Very few places in Limbo are stable enough for normal travel.

First off, Wikipedia is fun! Secondly, this is kind of how I'm feeling about everything right now. Sitting in an apartment full of boxes, waiting for the phone to ring regarding one of the many jobs in which I'm in one of the various stages of applying, and hoping that besides obvious weather and things-to-do considerations, we're as happy in Phoenix as we have been in Flagstaff.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I simply cannot stand not knowing things. And now, to have this many small things up in the air in addition to the normal meaning of life considerations that constantly drift through my head, it is driving me absolutely crazy. AND Steve already packed the third season of Scrubs, so there's no relief in sight.

But try as I might not to get excited (because that's when things go wrong and disappoint you), I still feel hopeful about what lies ahead.

Wedded Bliss

2006-06-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

Today my mom asked if we were doing anything to celebrate our two week anniversary. Huh? I have to admit that I have not been good at remembering the anniversaries or dates of anything in our relationship, let alone weeks from our wedding. At first I felt bad about this. I don't know when our first date was, have no clue when our first kiss was, and have been otherwise bad at keeping track of all of our little milestones.

But recently I've come to see this as a good thing. How long have we been together? Who knows? It feels like forever (in a good way). Even the first time we talked it felt like we'd known each other for years. How long do we want to stay together? Long enough that we wanted "til death do us part" removed from our wedding vows.

Bottomline: I may not know dates, but I know that we are somewhere in the middle of a beautiful eternity together. And that's as mushy as I'm going to get.

Classic Me

2006-06-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

It's almost midnight now, and I'm wide awake. Having so much trouble with the job search has left me with a deep feeling of inadequacy that can be fixed (or at least covered up) only by an over-zealous, over-anxious job search. This led me to apply for 12 jobs on Monday, and another 10 after we got home from Phoenix today. There's a part of me that is listening attentively for my phone to ring even now. Maybe someone is working the night shift in Human Resources...

It's amazing how feeling bad about yourself in one aspect of life can so quickly spread to all of the others. Feeling inadequate about not finding a job has led me to feel inadequate in other areas. I hate my hair. I feel completely brain dead. I'm questioning whether pretty much everyone in my life is annoyed with me. I'm worried that I make a terrible first impression. The list goes on and on...

I've never been much of a believer in the power of positive thinking. I always felt like it was just setting yourself up for disappointment. I'm feeling that now more than ever. I want to believe that someone out there will look at my resume and think, "Wow. She worked really hard. That's the kind of person we're looking to hire!" But with that kind of thinking, I feel devastated if I don't get a phone call, rather than just the mild annoyance I feel when I assume they're all just egotistical jerks who never call anyone just to live out some sick power trip.

In other less depressing news, we found a place to live in Phoenix this past week. On June 17th we'll move into a one bedroom townhome at Pinnacle Towne Center (in the coveted Biltmore area of Phoenix). After not being terribly excited by Flagstaff for the past four years, I think Steve and I are both a little sad to leave. A chapter of our life is closing and we know it will never be the same. I guess all we can really ask is that the next chapter of our lives be as happy and fulfilling as this one has been.

Well, I'm boring even myself now, so I shall bid you all a fond adieu.

FAQ (you know you were asking them in your head)

2006-05-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

I know that there are probably questions all of my (2) loyal readers are dying to ask, so I decided to do a little proactive Q&A... I'm such a nerd...

1. Gee, Rachel... You haven't talked about anything but your wedding for about three years now. How did that go?

Splendid, actually. All minor disasters were quickly resolved and it was just beautiful. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life who made the whole evening so special.

2. What about now? It's 9:44 p.m. on Tuesday. Shouldn't you be on your honeymoon instead of blogging?

Actually, due to the severe suckiness of the Hyatt, Steve and I are spending the remainder of our honeymoon at my parent's house. Hopefully we will have more time to travel in the near future, but right now we are enjoying a little time to relax and lie in the sun.

3. Can Nate coordinate my wedding?

How should I know? You'll have to ask him.

4. Since you finally tied the knot, have you and Steve gotten any less annoyingly adorable?

Sorry to disappoint, but our annoying adorable-ness actually seems to be increasing with time. Being newlyweds is just the icing on the cake.

5. Now that you're married, you've graduated and you're moving away from Flagstaff, what will you blog about?

For the time being I intend to complain about the frustration of a job search followed by amusing anecdotes about my job once I'm gainfully employed. Or maybe I'll write about something productive. Or maybe I'll do something productive and then write about it. The possibilities are endless.

THE END

2006-05-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

I just turned in my last paper ever. Ever. Unless I do graduate school, but I'm not thinking about that right now. Ever.

It was a lovely 12-pager, researched, organized and written in the span of about 3 hours, some of it while I was watching the series finale of Seventh Heaven.

Ah college, I will miss you. But not that much.

Thank You Stephen Colbert

2006-05-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

I agree with the honorable Mr. Jon Stewart that Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner was "balls-alicious." I probably wouldn't have come up with that word, but it pretty well sums it all up.

In any case, I came across Thank You Stephen Colbert while I was looking at some the reactions to his speech. Colbert didn't win the Pulitzer, so he deserves some other recognition! Say thank you to him "popping the Bush bubble" and telling Bush to his face what so many of us have been thinking!

Have you hugged a tree today? Apparently I have...

2006-04-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Very interesting results. And my family calls me the "conservative" one...

You scored as Green. The Green Party believes in an America where decisions are made by the people and not by a few giant corporations. Their environmental goal is a sustainable world where nature and human society co-exist in harmony.

Green

95%

New Democrat

85%

Old School Democrat

85%

Libertarian

40%

Socially Conservative Republican

35%

Foreign Policy Hawk

15%

Pro Business Republican

15%

What's Your Political Philosophy?
created with QuizFarm.com

26 days to go!

2006-04-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

I know I have a one track mind, but with the little ticker thingy, it's hard to think about much else. Here are some random pre-wedding thoughts.

1. Rachel G. Just look at it for a second. It still doesn't look like me to me.

2. It's amazing how many people can't figure out the RSVP cards. Maybe we should have included instructions.

3. So many little details are finally coming together, from the M&Ms (thanks Nate!) to the shower (thanks Mom & Becca!) to hopefully a ceremony order (thanks in advance Dad!). Everything is so perfect... so us...

4. People I haven't seen in years are flying cross-country to come to our wedding. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm lucky to have such amazing friends and family.

5. There's something very comforting in knowing that after all the ceremony and gifts and partying, what will be left is me and Steve, pretty much exactly like we've been for the past four years.

With one month to go...

2006-04-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

After watching the Panic! at the Disco video again I suddenly had a revelation. I should have had a circus themed wedding. Creepy circus themed... It may be too late to get the guys on stilts, but everyone could still help out by drawing eyeballs on your eyelids. What do you say kids?

I'll win out one day...

2006-04-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

Panic! At The Disco Lyrics

Panic! At The Disco Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

Steve's taste in music is better than mine. Coming from someone who when I first met him claimed he didn't even like music, any music, this has been a little hard for me to accept. He always hears the songs first, he likes the songs first, and then two weeks later I realize I love them too. On the other hand, I pick songs that I like the first time I hear them, then realize two weeks later I really don't like them that much. A couple of years ago I was sure that Franz Ferdinand was far better than The Killers. We bought both CDs on the same day. By day 3 I never wanted to hear Franz again, but The Killers had grown on me.

Now, Steve discovered yet another band I love before me. To add insult to injurty, they are from Las Vegas, which is also kind of true of The Killers. In any case, I'm coming to terms with the fact that he is probably just cooler than me all around. But as long as he loves a dork like me, and he keeps finding great music, I guess it's something I can live with.

Parents...

2006-04-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

Watching some parents lately has really disturbed me. This weekend while we were at the pool with Bryan and Colleen, we saw a boy (probably about 10 or 11 years old) with a beach towel bearing the image of a topless woman. He was showing it to a larger group of about 12 boys, all in the 8-14 age range, and they were all giggling about it.

I thought to myself, "Man, that kid's parents would be so upset if they knew he had that." But then I saw him walk over to a woman, presumably his mother, who wrapped him up in the towel, leaving the topless woman's umm... assets (?) exposed on his back.

This experience left me with two contradictory feelings. The first was, "I never want kids! They'll be growing up with kids like these..." The second was, "I have to have kids. Otherwise our world will be run by porno-towel kids."

Although Steve and I both agree that kids are a far-off prospect (like picking a retirement home or choosing an arthritis medicine) I can't help but worry what kind of world they will grow up in. Will my kids learn that a woman is only worth her cup size? Will they learn to hate people of other religions, races, socio-economic statuses or lifestyles? Will they believe that as Americans they are superior and deserve to consume far more than their share of the world's food, water and energy resources?

The responsibility that comes with helping a child become a thoughtful, honest, interested and caring individual seems quite overwhelming at the moment. I have an infinite amount of respect and admiration for parents that work towards this goal every hour of every day. Parents who get their kids beach towels with stripes or fish or flowers.

Cold feet and other nonsense...

2006-04-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

I have to say that even though I've never doubted marrying Steve, there was a point during this week where I thought to myself, "I'm going to be a wife? I can't be a wife!" I think it's because the word "wife" conjures up images of wearing an apron and getting excited about washing machines and making meatloaf. I definitely can't be that person. I know that Steve knows I'm not that person and hopefully that's part of why he likes me. And all of my life I've been surrounded by strong women who didn't fit that mold, so I don't know why it's creeping into my brain. Of course they did make the occasional meatloaf...

Anyway, I guess it's silly to be scared of other people's expectations. The only expectations we really have to live up to are each other's. Still, the idea of being called Mrs. G. makes me a little panicky.

In other news, school still sucks my big toe. I am so, so happy that in 5 short weeks I will never have to do homework again. Unless I want to go to grad school, but I think the rewards would have to be crazy awesome to convince me to do that. It's just too much grief for not enough good.

This is your brain on spring break...

2006-03-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

Last night, while talking about religion or nutrition or maybe something completely unrelated, Steve, Nate and I came up with the idea of low-carb communion. We floated around a few ideas on how we could change the ingredients, but decided meat was definitely out (I mean, who wants to hear "the body of Christ" when you're biting into a piece of steak). I'm not sure if this is sacrilege of a brilliant marketing idea...

Another fun discovery we made last night was that the coasters at the lounge in The West Wing at the MGM Grand have spaces provided to write down "Name," "Room #" and "Other." We weren't sure if the other was for a cell phone number or to write "short blond in red dress" so you remembered who these people were in the midst of your drunken stupor. In any case, it was very romantic...

Spring Break in T-minus 2 hours and 15 minutes...

2006-03-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

We get to have a picnic, taste more cake (because once just isn't enough), and spend tons of relaxing time with family and friends. I might even drag steve to another concert even though they never seem to turn out well... We'll have to see. Anyway, WOO HOO!

The Calm Before the Storm Before the Calm

2006-03-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

In order to make more time to prepare for my Rio class midterms, I've tried to work about two days ahead in my NAU classes. Right now I have completed all homework that is due before Sunday, and it feels pretty good. The nightmares about forgetting to submit something have calmed down a little bit, and despite still spending about three hours a night working on something, I've managed to make time for Scrubs, Desperate Housewives and occasional Party of Five episodes.

I know this serenity probably won't last long. I have seen the syllabi and they still have a grueling second half in store. And although I think the wedding will be lovely, I'm terrible at handling the stresses around it. Mainly, I can't say no to anyone about anything, I get really worried when other people are worried and in the end I just really have no idea how any of it works. Add the job search to this and I'm a tiny bit of a mess.

Luckily, I have a great support system around me who won't let me go too far off the deep end. Case in point, my mom. I told her that after we got married we were just going to spend a summer in Europe. (Those who know me well know that was supposed to be a crazy, malicious threat.) She calmly replied, "You could." And at that moment the wheels in my head started flying around. "You mean I could actually take some time where I'm not working 60 hours a week to do something enjoyable and relaxing?"

Ever since that conversation our "summer in Europe" has been my source of calm. In reality, I'll probably end up spending two days in La Jolla and starting a new job on May 24. But at least for right now, I can pretend that in two months and seven days I have plans to do nothing.

I Miss Nate!

2006-03-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

It seems like I've been saying "I miss Nate!" about once a day lately. A lesser man than Steve might be bothered by this, but luckily he always just says, "Me too." Mostly what I miss about Nate is his ability to make any worry or problem disappear in about five seconds. Rather than offering up lengthy solutions or possible proactive responses to the current drama, he just says "Yeah, she's a b****, we don't like her." And in those 8 words is all the validation, sympathy and support that's needed. Then everyone is free to move on.

Other good things about Nate: he's the best best man, he can convince me to go to California with less than 48 hours notice, he bought me a fish, he makes me laugh, he makes Steve laugh, he makes my parents laugh, he can talk Laguna Beach, he gets along with my Grammy, he has the perfect road trip car, he loves Target and he makes fun of Dress Barn.

Yeah, so I miss him...

Will Work for Food

2006-03-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

As my senioritis progresses to an intolerable point, I am willing to do anything to take my mind off of school/school related things (which includes on-campus jobs and internships). Since the wedding planning is almost wrapped up, I have turned all of my attention to the post-graduation job search. Mostly it has made me feel really inferior, frustrated, and anxious.

For the first time in my life, it's just not enough to have done everything right. I got the grades, the extra-curriculars and the work experience that "they" said would do so much for me, but now without those 3-5 years of experience, I might as well be a computer-skills-deficient high school drop-out with plague.

It's all becoming clear to me what my path should have been. Rather than nights studying or in club meethings, I should have been at frat parties networking. Even with a C+ average I'm sure someone's mom or dad would have let me work for their company. Heck, I might have even had a shot at being President of the United States.

But I guess I should be looking on the bright side. My presentation skills will be impeccable when I'm saying "Do you want fries with that?"

P.S. - I do have a couple of potential jobs that I'm waiting to hear back about, so if you could think good thoughts for me, I'd appreciate it. If anyone can do the Jedi mind trick, that would be even better.

Scariest thing I have ever heard...

2006-02-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

Maybe these two should consider counseling...

Marlon Brando Gill, 24, is facing a felony first-degree assault charge for the alleged incident with Melinda Abell, 24, of Blue Springs.

According to a court document, Abell told police that Gill forced her from a residence near Southwest 19th Street and U.S. 40 on Dec. 23, began yelling, and demanded to see her cell phone while driving along the highway.

He pulled into a parking lot, grabbed her and “forcibly shoved the phone into her mouth where it became lodged in the throat,” the court document alleges.

Abell was hospitalized and released the next week.

In his account to police, Gill said that Abell tried to swallow the phone after he demanded that she give it to him.

Ode to Steve

2006-02-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

Kind of like a Valentine's Day post, just late...

Things Steve does that I'm pretty sure other guys wouldn't:

1. Goes out in the freezing cold to buy me ice cream from the gas station.
2. Lets me play his Madden football game when he's up by 70 points.
3. Tries the Pilates moves that I can't do to see if they really are humanly impossible.
4. Listens to me complain about how hard it is to balance school and work even though he's doing the exact same thing.
5. Goes to New Jersey Pizza even if he's more in the mood for Dara Thai.
6. Watches Mean Girls every time it's on The Movie Channel because I just can't seem to get enough of it.
7. Doesn't get upset when I only want to listen to three out of the 600ish songs on our ipod.
8. Agrees to shower first on the mornings when I'm really tired.
9. Really enjoys helping with all things wedding, or is an amazing actor.
10. Doesn't even flinch when my dad calls him Stevie.
11. Goes shopping with me.
12. Goes to chick flicks extremely willingly.
13. Humors me when I say, "No really, we are going to PRSSA this week."
14. Calls me at work to tell me exactly where he parked the car so I won't have to wander around looking for it.
15. Never shuns me or pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I make a Laguna Beach reference in public.
16. Always sorts if I deep clean.

There are a lot more, but I don't want give him some kind of superiority complex, so I'll stop here.

Durrrdee

2006-02-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

Remember a few years back when Christina Aguilara made the word "dirrty" seem all sexy because she was wearing chaps with nothing under them in the music video? Well, I just wanted to make clear that "dirrty" is not the dirty I am talking about. Lately Flagstaff has been seeming dirtier and dirtier. I'm not sure what the Dust Bowl was like and I'm sure it is a completely unfair comparison, but it seems like every time I walk outside lately I end up with a mouth full of sand, tree debris, and litter. Now I understand that this is what I get for using some Hoo Doo to ban snow from the area, but geez.

In addition, the motels are getting run-downier, the giant crows keep relieving themselves on our car, the evergreen trees are actually brownish-gray and even the hippies are looking a little less clean. Or maybe it's just me... I decided to take the self-help route of watching several prescription drug commercials and was able to diagnose myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder (I call it SAD for short). When winter hits, I get SAD. I miss my flip-flops and brightly colored tank tops of yore. I miss getting into my car at 3 p.m. and briefly blacking out from the sweltering heat.

So, once again, for all you loyal readers... If you think Flagstaff is SO beautiful, you're welcome to come and live here but I am so gosh darn frickin' out of here.

P.S. - For those who are interested in this sort of thing our regsitry is available at: http://www.crateandbarrel.com/gr/guest/viewRegistry.aspx?grid=9736409. And for the record we will love you all the same if you get us a spatula, a $100,000 gift card or something you sculpted out of earwax.

S-s-s-s-senioritis

2006-02-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

In high school I think I had senioritis from about sophomore year on. However, my senior year was particularly bad. The first major factor was that I only had three classes, meaning I got out at 8:30 on B Days and 10:10 on A Days. And even then, sometimes making it through an hour and half of school was just too rough to face. Luckily, since I only had three classes-worth of homework, I still came through that year pretty well.

But this year the senioritis has hit me hard again. There's always that point where I realize that when I'm done, all people will care about is a stupid piece of paper that says I have a degree, but they won't care if I went the extra mile on every group project or had more illustrations in my final report than required. In fact, the .05 points my GPA could go up or down at this point probably won't matter to anyone, ever.

In any case, unlike my senior year of high school, I actually have a lot riding on this semester. I have more proverbial balls to drop if you will. Right now I'm relying solely on the "It's only three more months" motivation, but that is fading fast. If you come up with any better motivation for me to drag my glazed over, failing brain around campus from class to class, let me know.

Vegas, baby...

2006-02-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

I love Las Vegas. Despite being Sin City, it is one of the few places on earth that has that home feeling (the other two are Valentino's pizza in Lincoln, Neb. and the Denver International Airport). However saying your from Las Vegas usually prompts people to give you a look (the "You're mom's a showgirl, you live in a casino, where's your feather boa?" kind of look). Mostly I just laugh it off, but lately I've encountered a new dilemma. When you say you're getting married in Vegas, the looks get even worse (the dreaded "You Nicky Hilton/Britney Spears wannabe, seven minute drunken marriage at a drive-through wedding chapel, white trash skank" look). Or, like the girl at the jewelry store where we got Steve's wedding ring, they just mutter "Vegas, baby" with some kind of drunken flashback look. I can't laugh this one off as easily...

This has led me to answer the question "Where are you getting married?" with "Las Vegas, BUT it's going to be nice. It's going to be classy. That's where I'm from. My parents live there. It's not on the Strip. No Elvises. It has a gazebo. " I don't know why this bothers me so much. Who's to say that the people who get the $19.95 special at the Little White Chapel won't have a long, happy and committed marriage? And who's to say that our wedding vows wouldn't be solemn and sacred if we dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and an original Star Trek klingon?

Uhhh... actually scratch that. I'm getting married in Las Vegas, but it's nice. It has a gazebo.

Breakdown

2006-02-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

I had a big elaborate post written, but then I decided just to keep this part:

Umm... it turns out it's pretty frickin' hard in a "cried three times today, don't know where my gym shoes are, high pitched squealing in my ears, forgetting to breathe, haven't had time to go to the bathroom since 6:30 a.m." kind of way.

I'll let you use your imagination to fill in the rest.

Pacifist Kickboxing...

2006-02-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

The first time my kickboxing teacher told us to picture a face when we were punching, I was quite unnerved. I'm a person who advocates peaceful solutions. I have never truly hit anyone in my life, although Becca and I have both gotten in a couple of good open-handed smacks. (Sidenote: My dad will try to tell you I gave him a huge bruise once, but don't believe it.) Anywho, the teacher asked "Do you have someone to picture?" Everyone laughed. I thought it was terrible.

But now as the classes pass by, the face has started appearing. It's not really anyone, just a non-descript face. So when the teacher says, "This is how you break a nose," I pretend to break a nose. Or if she says, "Knock out teeth," I shove my elbow straight into the mouth of my imaginary opponent.

Mostly this has me feeling really disgusted with myself but a little part of me feels like Buffy.

Because a lapdance is always better when the stripper is crying...

2006-01-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

You know you're from Las Vegas when:
1. You have no idea what a scarf does, but think it looks good
2. You know how to get to any casino on the strip without taking Las Vegas Blvd
3. You know where the natural history museum, art museum and zoo are.
4. You can now predict where the construction signs will be misleadingly placed.
5. Stopsigns and red lights mean very little
6. The last time you went to the strip, your cousins were in town last summer
7. You become nocturnal between the months of April to October.
8. You know the seasons: Really hot, 2 weeks of nice, not so hot, 2 weeks of nice.
9. Your favorite chocolate is Ethyl M.
10. When you go to different cities, you're amazed things aren't open after 9 pm
11. You've never seen a closed gas station
12. You can get hard liquor any day of the week, any time of the day.
13. When arriving home from vacation, the slot machines in McCarran are comforting
14. You are still asked "smoking or non?" when you go to out to eat
15. You laugh at people playing the slots at 7-11
16. You have no idea how a lottery works
17. If you do, you know the shop at stateline that sells the tickets.
18. Your most prized possession as a Nevadan is your blue and white licence plate
19. You know the spaghetti bowl has nothing to do with food
20. You know never to merge right when driving north on I-15, it'll end anyway.
21. You think a pile of rocks is a nice lawn
22. The term Lake Las Vegas doesn't seem redundant in the slightest.
23. You remember the ugly lion
24. You give directions to your house based on location of closest casino
25. You need to walk through a casino to see a movie.
26. You go in circles through McCarran on purpose
27. You can spot a tourist from 3 miles away
28. Limos are an everyday sighting
29. You laugh at people taking pictures in front of the "welcome" sign
30. You don't own an umbrella
31. Sixty degrees is cold enough to wear a jacket
32. You can wear pants in the summer and shorts in the winter
33. You've never HAD to pay for parking.
34. You are outraged to pay more than 9.99 for prime rib and a lobster tail.

19 credit hours later...

2006-01-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

So in order for me to graduate on time I needed to add 7 credits to my schedule this semester. Not just any seven credits, mind you, seven credits that fulfilled fun Liberal Studies requirements. It has been a fun selection process that has left me with the following fun-filled classes:

Elements of Intercultural Communication-
Steve took this class online at Rio Salado and said it wasn't too bad.
Best part: No due dates!
Worst part: I have to remember how to be PC after so much time with Nate.

Technical Writing-
Writing for the business world (resumes, memos, etc.)
Best part: I'll be all set for the corporate sphere!
Worst part: 38 writing assignments. Yee-haw!

Wildflowers of the Grand Canyon-
Very self-explanatory title:
Best part: Only 5 weeks long! So much better than Birds of the Grand Canyon...
Worst part: I can only pretend to care about wildflowers for maybe 6 minutes, so 5 weeks will be tricky.

So as not to leave you hanging...

2006-01-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

After my big CLEP post, I never told everyone how I did... There was a reason for this. I got the "bad karma" score, exactly 1 point short of what I needed, and exactly the score needed to get 8 credits prior to last fall. In any case, there was debate all the way up the university chain about whether to use the new standards, which are standard across the state, or to use the scores set forth in my catalog. I have basically just been holding my breath for the past three weeks unsure of what to do.

Well, today I got my answer. The statewide standard cannot be argued and therefore I get 0 credits. Bummer. But what can you do, it was a fair decision. It will make my final semester slightly more "interesting" but I am determined to graduate on time without incident.

I realize in the grand scheme of things this is just a minor setback, far less than others have had to overcome. But that hasn't stopped the stabbing pain in my chest and the little voice in my head that keeps saying "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" At least it's just one voice now and they're not all arguing in French anymore... Please join me next week when my blog title will be changed to "Schizophrenia".

Moving Forward...

2006-01-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

I tend to be a dwell-er. I dwell in the past, I dwell on things that don't work out, I dwell on issues that I have absolutely no way of changing. In some ways it's good because it means I learn from my past and my mistakes, but it also means that I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to fix things it's too late to change. I'm not sure if it's maturity and wisdom (haha) or maybe just exhaustion but this semester I am trying my best to keep looking forward.

So my mantra for this semester is...

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's amazing how four little lines can present such a challenge. At least for me, that seems impossibly hard... I think it's also the prayer AA uses at their meetings, so if I fail at my mission miserably and hit the bottle, at least I'll be prepared.

In other news, thanks to everyone who made my birthday so special! I had a full week of celebration in various places with various people, and it was mostly fabulous! I am really luck to have such amazing family and friends to share in my celebration.

Ok, I'm tired of being nice and positive so I'm going to end this here. Good night!

Update

2006-01-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

Just so I don't leave all of you hanging, the doctor at UCLA told my dad that as long as his current medication was working, there was no reason to do a bone marrow transplant. Additionally, there is a new drug being used to treat his type of leukemia that is showing a lot of promise, so if they decide to do a drug study, he'd be on the top of the list to participate. All in all good news.

I take my CLEP test tomorrow. I have never been more scared of a test in my life. Even though everyone keeps telling me I'll do fine, it's just not reassuring because no one really knows how much I know or how hard the test will be. More than anything I just want people to tell me that it will be OK if I don't do well, someone to tell me I'll still be a smart person even if I don't know French. Oh well.

A bientot mon amis! Merci pour tout les pensees bon. Seacrest hors.

New direction...

2006-01-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

While I appreciate Steve's call for all of you to send me good thoughts about my French CLEP, I'm going to request that you temporarily redirect all of your good intentions for tomorrow. My Dad is going to UCLA Medical Center for a consultation and we're all hoping he learns only good things about possible treatment options. So if anyone could think positive thoughts, pray, or project happy aura beams his way, I'm sure every little bit would help.

In other Dad news, I'm working on setting him up a new blog (tentatively called "INCITE") at http://revmah.blogspot.com. The basic idea is that it will have all the wisdom but without the pressures of "cyber ministry." So hopefully that'll be up in the next couple weeks if you want to check it out.

Ok, I think that's it for me. Seacrest out.

More pointless junk...

2005-12-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

Since there is little going on, and I never got in on the Top Five action the first time, this is what I have chosen to keep me busy for the next fifteen minutes or so.

Top Five Desserts:
5. Apple Pie a la Mode
4. Dove Dark Chocolate Promises
3. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
2. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream
1. Pizzookie

Notice a theme?

Top Five restaurant Foods:
5. Mashed Potatoes w/ Gravy from Chili's
4. Three Pepper Chicken from Monsoon
3. Baked Potato Cheddar Soup in a Sourdough Breadbowl from Claim Jumper
2. Garlic Herb Chicken con Broccoli (without broccoli) from Olive Garden
1. Breadsticks and Marinara from New Jersey Pizza Company

After thinking about all of that, I am sooo hungry! I can't wait for Steve to finish his final so we can eat!!

Top Five Television Shows:
5. That 70's Show (re-runs)
4. Lost
3. Desperate Housewives
2. South Park
1. Nip/Tuck

Of course Laguna Beach is always in the Top 5 of my heart, but since the season is over, I've had to try to move on with my life.

Top Five Songs (I have been listening to lately):
5. Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll by the Killers
4. Give it Up by Pepper
3. Sugar We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy
2. Bat Country by Avenged Sevenfold
1. Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy

For anyone as curious as we were, the lyrics are: "We're going down, down in an earlier round/And Sugar, we're going down swinging/I'll be your number one with a bullet/A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it"

Top Five Reasons Why I Need a Life:
5. We've been talking about how cool Settlers of Catan is for like two weeks now.
4. I have no finals but I'm still here!
3. People at my work are starting to say, "Oh, you're still here?"
2. I feel like a failure if I don't see all three South Park reruns each night.
1. I'm doing this even though it's no longer timely!

This is totally lame... At least I'm not playing World of Warcraft yet...

Such a Bum!

2005-11-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

I've recently become aware that in nearly every picture of me, I am either wearing pajamas or moving furniture... I don't know what this says about my life...

I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas

2005-11-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ever since Thanksgiving weekend, Christmas decorations have suddenly appeared everywhere. Radio stations already have their non-stop holiday playlists on the air. Even here at my desk I can see three poinsettia plants and some nice berry decorations. All of it has me in the mood to go to Phoenix and Las Vegas for a warm, fuzzy, family Christmas celebration. I'm not sure how that mood will mix with the hectic final project schedule, but hopefully it will all work out.

I know that a lot of people would think Flagstaff for Christmas would be the ideal: snow glistening on pine branches, a warm fire by the tree and kids having snowball fights in the street. I, however, am looking forward to a warm, sunny Christmas. I like the idea of being able to go to parks and play frisbee, wearing short sleeved-shirts and never having to (watch Steve) scrape ice off a windshield. It may not be the traditional Christmas scene, but after a while drinking cocoa and shivering gets a little mundane.

In other exciting news, I have ALL of my Christmas shopping done pending one gift that I need to get the details worked out on. Thank goodness for online shopping!

Good Things in My Life Right Now

2005-11-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

As the semester winds down and the assignments get fewer and farther between, life has been good. For those of you still feeling the cruch of life, I thought I'd share some things that have made me happy through the rough times.

1. Red Light School District's Walk Into Doors and Good Luck Wishin'. Even though they're a local Vegas band, they've become one of my favorites. If you want to listen, go to http://www.myspace.com/redlightschooldistrict .

2. Finding bridesmaid dresses. Maybe that doesn't make you happy, but it's a weight off my shoulders and they're pretty cute too. If you want to see them, go to http://www.alfredsungdresses.com/index.cfm?go=dresses&style=D316 and ignore the girl's scary hair.

3. Josh, Kim and Kyra visited on Saturday and we all had a lot of fun. Since Flagstaff is kind of a cold, bleak place it means a lot to us when people make the effort to come visit. And it's always fun visiting parks and eating good food that we might not usually eat twice in one day without guests. I'm not really sure how to share this one, but if you visit http://www.schulzone.org, you might be able to request that they visit you too...

4. Pumpkin spice candles from Target. Probably not the best quality, but it still makes your house smell like a holiday. Go to http://www.target.com to get your own.

Things I would recommend avoiding to be a happy person:

1. Saw 2. Super-disturbing, super-bloody, but overall pretty well done, which just makes it even scarier.

2. School, unless you're Allison. For the rest of us, it's the just the bad thing that happens between Barnes & Noble coffee trips, exciting Target excursions and weekends at home.

Obsessive-Compulsive Sociopath with Gingivitis

2005-11-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently titling a blog "Anxiety" has consequences. It seems like almost every post now receives a comment about how to relieve my anxiety with drugs, deep breathing, a handy "INSERT KEYWORD HERE" or electro-shock therapy (okay, I made the last one up). But for me, anxiety is not a problem to be fixed, it is a way of life, a part of my personality probably the result of an anxiety chromosome so big it could be seen with the naked eye. Sure sometimes it gives me heart palpitations, cold sweats and nausea, but it also got me an amazing scholarship, a pretty kick-ass GPA and some options for my future. And when I'm not obsessively planning things, I can have a pretty good time too.

Or I can obsessively plan fun things! For example, who wants to go ice-blocking in the park in The Willows the night after Thanskgiving? Huh? Huh?

I Swear I Didn't Fix This...

2005-11-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting.

You focus on living a quality life.

You're not easily impressed with novelty.

Yet, you easily impress others.

What's Your Pizza Personality?

Tagged...

2005-11-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

So I can't say that I'm a savvy enough blogger to really get the tagging thing, but from what I gathered I'm supposed to list my quirks and weird habits. Since this list could probably go on forever, I'll try to just hit the highlights.

1. I hate the sound of clean dishes. It is the worst sound in the world.

2. I like M&Ms after they've been microwaved for about 15 seconds.

3. I'm fairly sure I know what a black widow spider tastes like, but I don't know why.

4. Even though I can't say FYE has been my favorite experience ever, I'm going to miss my classes.

5. I am addicted to wedding stuff. I've read every planning magazine in Barnes & Noble and I look for cakes, bridesmaid dresses, and/or perfect first dance songs daily.

6. I get nervous when I'm more than an hour away from a major medical center.

7. If school was really about learning more than getting a career, I'd want to study quantum physics or law.

8. I know how to conjugate French articles and pronouns. Maybe by next week I'll have the verbs down...

Alright, I think that's enough to make me sound sufficiently weird. I tag Nate because I know he reads this.

Thank Goodness for Other People Taking Pictures

2005-11-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

Steve and I and some other people in Miami courtesy of Mike!

Is it graduation yet?

2005-10-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

So Miami did not turn out to be the refreshing fall break I had hoped for. I still had fun shopping and kicking back, but it definitely wasn't the ideal networking/vacation opportunity I had planned (stupid Wilma). In any case, I thought that I would return to Flagstaff refreshed and ready for action. Instead I just feel tired, disorganized and far, far behind.

Most days I walk around school feeling terrified that I will never get everything done for work/classes/extracurriculars. Meanwhile, all of those little necessary household chores (like dishes, laundry, buying new milk) have just piled up. So there is a very real possibility that we might become smelly people, and after faithfully reading Allison's blog, I know that is not appreciated.

So, following the example of our President, I think I'm going to start giving things strategically planned names and hoping that they go away. I will support "The Global Struggle Against Bacteria and Resdidue," "The No College Student Left Below 3.5 Act," and "The War on Greasy Build-Up." Hopefully if all goes well, I'll be deployed to "Operation Warmth & Freedom" this December a clean, sane and well-educated person. And if anyone asks why there are dirty dishes piled up in the sink, I'll tell them that "The Global Struggle Agaisnt Bacteria and Residue" can't be won overnight.

Who's afraid of the most intense hurricane ever recorded in the Atlantic basin?

2005-10-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

Umm... duh, in case you haven't ever paid attention to the title of my blog, it's me! When Steve and I first heard about Florida I was a little apprehensive. I'm not huge on flying or last minute plans or spending extended periods of time in humid, bug-filled climates, so I was a little nervous. But I came to terms with all of the above and was actually getting excited for the trip.

Then there was Wilma. Apparently she is going to pull a U-turn just to add to the thrill of our trip. We have been assured that our hotel has an evacuation plan and that PRSSA has been in contact with the mayor to ensure that we will be okay. However, all the people telling us these things are PR people, and who trusts them?

The only upside is that I can now add this to my project for my Optimal Living class. We were supposed to do something that takes us out of our comfort zone, and I think flying directly into the path of a hurricane would definitely fit that criteria.

If we do get word that we need to evacuate, I'll probably go up somewhere around Ohio just to be extra safe.

I guess there's no going back now...

2005-10-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Steve and I sent out Save the Date magnets for our wedding earlier this week. Despite printing problems and a minor nervous breakdown, it was so exciting. It was one of the first official wedding things that we've done. With only seven months to go, we're seeing a light at the tunnel, and I couldn't be happier!

I came up with a list of things that are exciting now that we're this close. I realize this may not be interesting for all of you, but let me have my fun!

1. I can now say we're getting married in May without having to say May 2006

2. Cake tasting is coming up soon

3. Only seven more months to keep my dress a secret

4. I'm going to have everyone who is important to me in one place at one time

5. We can start planning our ultra-relaxing honeymoon

6. Registry at Crate & Barrel

Now, you had to know this part was coming... Things that are freaking me out now that it is so close!

1. Rachel G.? Rachel H.-G.? Rachel H. who is married to Steve G.? Mrs. G.? Nate likes Rachel H.-G. because it sounds very Connecticut...

2. I still have to complete this semester, 15 credits and somehow pass a CLEP test to graduate pre-wedding.

3. I'm in planning limbo. There's still a lot to do, but I don't know when or which order it goes in.

So see, twice as many joys as worries. Not too shabby for Rachel Worrier Princess.

I want to be bored!

2005-09-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

After a non-stop week, I am really looking forward to doing pretty close to nothing at home this weekend. I just want to lay on the giant air mattress in the pool. Or wear slippers and pajamas all day, curl up on the couch and play "Netflix Surprise!" So if any of you Vegas people are planning on doing stuff, you better just get that silly notion out of your head right now.

8-5? No sweat!

2005-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Since I came up with the brilliant idea of getting involved this semester, I shouldn't complain about never having any free time. But I am astounded at how much time it takes to be a "good" college student, and I can't believe that there are people doing twice as many outside activities as I am.

I have a pretty standard college schedule. I'm taking 5 classes (two Honors classes), teaching two (plus office hours), working about 16 hours a week, and although I am technically a member of about four clubs, I only actively participate in one. Just from these commitments, I expect to be at school from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day this week before we leave for Phoenix at 6 p.m. on Thursday. This is NOT including homework, group projects or our standard study and basketball/yoga nights with Bryan and Colleen.

Being involved does have some advantages. We get to go to Miami courtesy of PRSSA and my Grandma Jean, I have met a few really cool freshmen (some not as much), and only one of the other FYE teachers thought I was a freshman and asked if I needed any help in a sweet, but condescending tone.

Actually, unless all of this gets me the greatest job in the universe, being involved is totally not worth it. I miss my life of sleep and Netflix.

Now for something completely off topic:

23rd Qualm

George W. Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me
all the days of thy term
and my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

Any suggestions?

2005-09-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

So for one of my classes, we're supposed to bring in a song that defines love for us in some way. I've come up with a couple of options, but I'm still questioning. I thought of Blink-182 "Josie" because it's sweet and true, but not too mushy. However, it has the phrase "lacking in the bulge" in it, and I'm not sure how the teacher would respond to that. I also considered "Breathing" by Lifehouse, but then decided it would just make me sound pathetic and stalker-esque. So, I need help! Give me suggestions! Please! Thank you!

Soothing colors...

2005-09-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

This school year is going to drive me completely crazy. Since I'm taking so many classes about how to be a person, I have been analyzing myself, my leadership styles, my relationship styles, my learning styles, etc. What I have found is that I am a slightly left-brained, green circle person.

I honestly don't know what that means, but if it means I have no patience for lack of organization, I'd say it's dead on. Apparently all my teacher's must be right-brained, red star people because I have no idea what's going on. There's no format. There are no due dates. E-mails about what we should be doing get to us 5 minutes before class starts. I just can't take it!

One bright spot is Sociology of Deviance. Apparently Gerald Hughes and I are the same color, shape and direction because he has everything laid out in perfect detail. Not my most interesting class, but at least I know what's expected.

Luckily my blog has soothing new "Urban Outfitters" inspired colors. Guaranteed to make even the most upsetting day a little more relaxed. Thank you Steve for all of your help!

In the meantime, to all of you Miss Lippy's in the world, get your freakin' act together. Go make an outline or something!

Too Cool for Flagstaff...

2005-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have come up with yet another reason to be disenchanted with Flagstaff. When I move, I may have nothing to write about, so enjoy these last nine months of whining! You'll miss it when its gone...

I just took a quiz to see what "Underground Scene Stereotype" I am and it came back that I am Indie. I supposedly discover all the bands before they become mainstream and really know my stuff. While I can't say that that's true, that is something I aspire towards.

But it is really hard to be cutting edge in Flagstaff! How am I supposed to know about the hot new bands with no local shows and Michelle Branch filling all radio airwaves 24 hours a day.

This thought was reinforced when Steve and I watched the VMAs. Of course we knew Green Day and The Killers, but some of the other songs I had never even heard of before. So not only do I not know bands before they become mainstream, I don't even know bands that have been on MTV for six months.

So, I have created a new list of criteria that the place we move to after graduation must meet:

1. It must NOT snow ten months out of the year.
2. It must have a functional Target (Greatland preferred).
3. It must have a thriving local music scene.

And some preferences:

1. An American Apparel
2. Some place with a half-baked cookie-like dessert
3. A baseball team (because it has to be better live than on TV, right?)
4. Ikea

I'll be sure to bring my list to all job interviews that I have next spring/summer.

Quick random nothingness

2005-08-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

In my 5:10 p.m. class, I had a student who said he had just gotten up...

I'm taking "The Art of Relationships" and "Optimal Living" so by the end of the semester I should be really good at being a person...

Odwalla bars are good and incredibly disgusting at the same time...

Pizookie is a much better stress reliever than yoga...

Pepper is probably not the best band for incoming freshmen to see with their parents...

Neither is OPM...

One of my teachers told us that in the Western world, we're obsessed with corners...

Now I'm So Ronery

2005-08-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

So I have discovered that there at least two distinct ways to feel lonely. The first is simply lack of human contact. The second, the one which I have been experiencing, is being surrounded by people but feeling no connection to them what-so-ever. As I started up my obligations for the school year this week, I realized that I'm not really close to anyone at my work. On top of that, I'm not close to any of my co-FYE-teachers. So after about 30 hours of polite conversation, I still felt a real craving for some kind of human interaction.

Add to this Steve's affair with televised Mets games. I'm not complaining, mind you, because I felt so bad that we weren't able to make it down to see one live, but I do have to admit that there is little deep conversation happening. Usually at commercial breaks we have a little dialogue that goes likes this:

Steve: I should wash some lights.
Me: What?
Steve: What?
Me: I don't know, I thought you...
Steve: I hate the Diamondbacks announcers.
Me: Yeah.
Steve: Mark Grace just called Seo Japanese.
Me: So how was work?
Steve: We're going to be Team SWEARS.
Me: What??
Steve: [no response]

I talked to my friend Paul tonight, which made the situation better and worse. It was great to hear from him, but it was a sad reminder or how greatly my social life has gone down the tubes. I don't know if its Flagstaff or having such a busy schedule or what, but I am not nearly as fun as I used to be. Or at least I don't perceive myself to be as fun as I used to perceive myself to be. ("How am I not myself?" Hilarious!) So I'm going to make it my goal to make this year of college amazingly fun. Or else I'll calculate my GPA and realize its still possible to get a 3.9 and kill myself to get straight As until I graduate and get married an emaciated shell of my former self. I guess only time will tell.

Why I Love/Hate Flagstaff

2005-08-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

After this summer, coming back to Flagstaff was actually starting to seem appealing. We missed all of our restaurants, doing our own shopping, and the crisp mountain air. We even toyed with the idea that if we were both offered nice jobs here, we may even be willing to stay...

Now, a week into living here, that idea is definitely back on hold for me. While dreaming about New Jersey Pizza, Monsoon, and pizookie, I forgot that those were the only things that really appealed to me about the city. Everything else is just so limited!

For example, Steve and I needed a toilet brush and a lamp shade. It didn't even cross our mind that items like this would be hard to find. However, since our Target is being remodeled, the stock is low, and these two items were nowhere to be found! Now in a city, you would be minorly inconvenienced by having to go to the other Target that's maybe 3 miles away instead of one. But in Flagstaff, there is no other Target!

We discussed the options... We could risk our sanity and our lives by going to Walmart, or we could try to support local businesses. That's what Flagstaff is about, right? So Steve and I headed over to a store called The Lite Company, only to discover that it was closed on Sunday. Trying our best to be understanding, we decided to come back the next day. When we approached the friendly salesperson, she informed us that they did not sell lampshades. Apparently, they didn't want to "have a bunch of lamps with no shades." Rather than even trying to argue with that logic, we left the store.

We are still looking for a local toilet brush store. In the mean time, keep Target's quick recovery in your thoughts, or it could be a long school year.

Baby Apple

2005-08-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already heard, Steve and I have a new little addition to our will-be family. An adorable little bundle of joy that we picked up from the Apple store last week. Now you may think that comparing a baby to a computer is inappropriate, but making a major purchase like this means a lot of responsibility!

As soon as we got the little g5 home, it immediately took all of our attention. Since it talks to us (creepy!) we had to think of a name to give it commands. "Computer" just seemed so impersonal. We tried out Mossimo, Granny Smith, and Pop and Bob. We stuck with Bob (as in "Bob, tell me a joke" or "Bob, open my browser") because that's what it seemed to respond best to.

Within seconds I was already getting ultra-protective, making sure that everyone was supporting the keyboard and cradling the mouse properly. Mostly I just didn't want anyone else to touch it, but everyone seemed so excited...

Then that night, the worst happened! It did something that we didn't know how to fix. We thought music was lost and we freaked. We spent an hour online with tech support, and finally got the issue worked out, but for a while it was touch and go.

Now, I know the computer is nowhere near the responsibility/reward of having a child. Not even as much as a puppy, but probably a little more than a hamster. I just don't know how parents do it! But now if you'll excuse me, I have to go read Bob a bedtime story.

The In-Laws

2005-07-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

When it came to in-laws, I had extremely high expectations. My parents' families got along well, holidays together went smoothly, and there weren't any blowout fights (at least that I know of). So when Steve and I ended up being the two people sitting in the Cowden lobby on Sunday afternoons to call our families, I was really excited to meet everyone that he called.

Then somewhere between Flagstaff and Phoenix on my way to meet them, excitement turned to terror. What if they didn't like me? What if I didn't like them? What if they thought I wasn't good enough? What if they thought I was too short/tall/fat/skinny or had a disproportionately sized head? By the time I got to the restaurant, I was completely terrified.

But to my great relief, Steve's family has proved to be really amazing. They are all kind, genuine people who made me feel at home right from the very beginning. They are a great family that I am excited to become a part of, and I can only hope Steve still feels the same way about my family after a whole summer with them.

This may not seem that extraordinary, but it really is. There are 6 billion people in the world, and most of them can't get along. There is conflict in the Middle East, wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and sometimes my house looks like WWIII is about to begin. So I just wanted to say that I recognize and appreciate how lucky I am.

That being said, I'm sure that Michelle, Kim and Allison would be completely fine if I picked slightly unconventional bridesmaid dresses, right?

Ok, maybe not that unconventional, but I did like something like this. Bec and I both tried it on and really like it. It's a flattering length and shape and I think it would look good on everyone invovled. It may require a little bit of Mystic Tanning... But nothing is for sure and feedback is always good.

Ok, I think that's all I have to say for now. And that really wasn't all just sucking up so you'll like the dress. Really.

Awkward! (picture this being said in Steve's high-pitched voice)

2005-07-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

So apparently no situation brings out the kid in you more than having your parents gone on vacation for a few weeks. Not in a magical Disney movie kind of way, but more in a loss of all adult behavior way. Scenario in a nutshell: my parents leave, set some ground rules, Becca and I disagree on the meaning of said ground-rules, I mention that fact to my mom, Becca's not happy and a fight on the scale of the great " Battle of Who Can Do The Best Underwater Handstand of 1994" ensues.

While I don't remember exactly what was said, it basically amounted to:

"You're not the boss of me!"
"I'm telling!"
"You're a butthead!"
"I know you are but what am I?"
"I'm not talking to you!"
"Fine, me neither!"

So that's where it was left almost a week ago. Now there's just short bursts of polite functional conversation that occur maybe once a day. And while I love my sister, having a sister can totally suck. There is this weird competition with always wanting to be the one who's right. You can't just be different, you have to be right, because its beyond our comprehension that two completely different ways of doing things could both be seen as equally good. And, the minute that you accept your sister's choice, it must mean that you are wrong in the way that you've been living. The worst part is that even though I can see exactly what is going on, that still doesn't make me want to be right any less.

If this were anyone else, it wouldn't even be an issue. I can accept other people's different lifestyles or choices mostly because when it comes down to it, I'll never care about them as much as I care about Becca. I want her acceptance and her approval because she means so much to me, and being the arrogant person I am, I'll assume she reciprocates. I criticize her different decisions because I want the best for her, and since I'm so happy with the life I've chosen, its only natural that I'd want to steer her in my direction.

If we do ever talk again, I'll try to remember that I don't always have to be right, and even when I am, it doesn't mean that she's wrong. However, most likely the end of our fight won't be that profound. Eventually she'll need to borrow some clothes...

Writers Block

2005-06-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

So right now I am supposed to be writing my first press release as "account coordinator" for impress, but I can't get a single sentence down onto the paper. Not even a title! I have all of the information here, and I know exactly which order it needs to go in and what format it needs to be in, but I can't quite get that information from my brain into any sort of usable format.

My PR writing teacher suggested that if you're experienceing writer's block, the best thing to do is write about nothing for a little while to get you started. And since this is my primary place to write about nothing, you all get to reap the benefits of my desperate struggle to overcome my problem.

Being in Las Vegas has been amazing. The weather has been warm and beautiful, we go swimming nearly every day, and I've gotten to see a lot of friends that I haven't been in contact with for years. I do sometimes miss our quiet life back in Flagstaff, but the change in pace has been just what I needed to (hopefully) be ready to go back for a busy final year.

So far, I like my job. The pace is also much different from what I have been used to back in Flag, but I enjoy the challenge. I'm starting to figure out the procedures, and starting to feel like I screw less things up each day. Maybe by August I'll actually have everything down cold, just in time to leave and start all over again. I wonder sometimes if I'll be prepared to have a long-term, full-time job. I guess I'll never know until I have one. Then, if I can't do it, I can become Steve's trophy wife. Then if he can't handle the 9-5, we'll have to find some rich old couple that we remind of their children who never visit. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

Well, I better start trying to write on this press release again now that I have my momentum going. Wish me luck!

Is it summer yet?

2005-05-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

So all of this week I have been completely booked 8 a.m. to 9 p.m., and that's not including homework. That is strictly classes work, group project meetings and FYE training. It has definitely taken its toll on me. Being tired and stressed out has made me really just want to eat cookie dough out of the package and then top that off with some cheetos. And then my preferred method of getting extra energy (as opposed to taking a brisk walk or a 20-minute power nap), drinking the soda with the most sugar and caffeine I can find.

Last night I ate an ice cream cookie sandwich at my FYE training, then decided to go to Oregano's at 9:30 p.m. for dinner. There we had deep dish pizza, wings (which I actually refrained from), and pizookie. At the end of the night Steve and I both realized that we couldn't keep doing this. We should probably start eating more than one meal a day and maybe even get a vegetable in every once in a while. Although, considering "Reading (hell) week" is only half over, it will take some extra willpower.

I got the chance to meet some of the other FYE peer mentors last night. Because the rest of them are all ASNAU members, Resident Assistants, Orientation leaders and Greek, they all seemed to know each other. They were all very nice, but I felt a little out of place. I haven't been an involved student in quite a while so it is a big change for me, hopefully one I can handle. In any case, it will be fun to meet some new people.

The countdown to move is on (10 more days)! We have so much to do and very little time to do it. I'm really looking forward to going down to Phoenix this weekend and forgetting everything that is hanging over my head. That, and that I'm just so darned excited for Allison's birthday!

Muahahaha (Evil Laugh)

2005-04-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Last week I found out that I will officially become an NAU First Year Experience peer mentor. This means I will have ultimate power over the lives of approximately 40 new NAU freshmen... unless they drop the class. Now I get to decide what kind of leader I will be. Will I be everyone's best friend and get involved in class drama? Will I be strict but fair with a quiet demeanor? Maybe I could even be hated at first, then loved as they realize that everything was for their own good. I've only seen that one work in the movies, but it might be worth a shot!

In any case I get paid to talk about how the library works, and how drinking is bad. Not a bad job!

Lucky

2005-04-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

I overheard the following conversation before my publications design class in the Communications building.

Girl: Did you get into ADV 111?

About 20 other people: No! I need that class to graduate too!

Guy: I'm on the waiting list.

About 20 other people: Me too!

If this isn't making sense for you, ADV 111 was the class where Steve took the last open seat. Apparently he beat out a bunch of disgruntled advertising majors for that seat, and I wouldn't want to be the one to tell them his story! He didn't quite have all the pre-requisites he needed, so the chances of him getting an override ahead of all the other majors would have been slim to none! He is a very lucky guy! Of course, if all of those people really were seniors, they would have been taking the class late. And if they're not, they'll have more semesters to take it. Also, if they do have more credits than Steve, they slacked by not registering on time. Now I'm never saying anything again until the class is completed or I might jinx the whole thing.

Everything is going well for me, but not nearly as exciting. I finally feel a tiny bit caught up in my classes, so hopefully that feeling will continue through the next few weeks until finals! I only have one final exam so I'm hoping to do some of our moving during that last week (mostly little stuff). Then I have a week off before I start my internship. Life is good.

Yay!

2005-04-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

I had something elaborate written, but I think I'll keep it simple:

I am so happy Steve got his class!!

Momentary Tranquility

2005-03-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

After bad dreams and a lot of stress this weekend, Steve and I finally booked a ceremony/reception site. The location is The Grove at Silk Purse Ranch in the north part of Las Vegas. It is a gorgeous 3-acre banquet facility with trees, flowers, trees, a stream, and about a billion little white Christmas lights.

Steve and I went to look on Friday, and even thought its smaller than I remember it being in seventh grade, it was still beautiful. The people seem extremely helpful, and the package is all inclusive (which is really helpful since I'm doing all the planning from four hours away).

So I feel much calmer now that everything is set. I'm extremely happy with what we've decided. Also, since we have an official date, we set up a wedding website at the theknot.com to put up details as we have them. Now, on to worrying about bridesmaid dresses!

428 Days Later...

2005-03-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I realized my official wedding freak out had begun. I had not one, but two dreams about the blessed event that brought me into full panic mode. It was the day of the wedding and we still had not chosen a location. We drove around aimlessly looking for a church or park or home that would take us in, but we couldn't find a place. When we finally found a church, they were having Sunday morning worship but agreed to put us in one of the back rooms. That's when I realized that none of Steve's family was there. He had put off telling them about it, and now it was too late. So my extended family was standing around waiting for a wedding when my cell phone rang. It was Nate and he was telling me he wasn't going to make it because he had work. I told him I understood, but I wanted to cry. I didn't want the wedding to take place like that. Steve's family wasn't there, my friends weren't there, but I was already in my dress and veil and I couldn't stop it.

The second dream I had was that I was getting ready and realized I hadn't bought shoes to go with my dress. I got in my car and tried to find a shoe shop but every place I found only carried children's shoes. At one point, I tried to go to Home Depot to make my own shoes, but that didn't work either. Also, my dress was too loose, and I couldn't find anyone who was able to adjust it. I kept asking Becca to help, and she kept saying she would, but then it just never happened. I knew I was holding up the wedding, but I couldn't convince myself to go until everything was perfect.

I have a lot of nervous dreams. I get them every year for about a week before the first day of school, most of the summer before I came to college, and randomly before big tests or deadlines at work. But nervous wedding dreams are setting the record for duration of time before the actual event. These are starting over a year and advance! And that's not counting the dream I had a couple months ago that Steve and I eloped in a smoky, dirty video arcade where some guy who was playing pool married us.

If/when I have children, I will probably need to be institutionalized. I read recently that one of the worst things for your baby while your pregnant (besides drinking, smoking, doing crack lines, etc.) is too much stress. Immediately I stressed out that I would stress out too much while I was pregnant. So now I wonder if I will stress out so much about stressing out that it will create a problem that wasn't even there to begin with. Do you see how my mind doesn't work quite right?

I realize I probably sound like a paranoid nut case, and that's mostly true. I like to plan. I like to have things laid out in front of me. It doesn't stop me from being spontaneous, but its comforting to have a nice, safe plan there in case you need it.

Simplicity

2005-03-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've had a revelation that I would like to simplify my life to the extreme. This revelation didn't come from some spiritual insight or a profound philosophy reading. It came from helping Steve's family move over the past two weekends. Don't get me wrong, I actually had a lot of fun spending time with everyone and I can't say that I was anywhere close to winning the "Person Who Carried Most Stuff" award, but it was epiphany-inducing to see how many possessions everyone accumulates through normal living. I started thinking about everything in my closet at home. Our walk-in closet is full, and besides clothes, I couldn't name a single thing in there. What is all of it? Do I use any of it? Why do I have it?

For those of you who have known me a long time, this attitude is a definite change from the norm. I was the girl who kept t-shirts 5 years after I last wore them just because I really liked them. I have an $8 pink flamingo clock under my bed that I just didn't quite feel like parting with. I kept my Vans until they had holes worn through them "just in case."

Some of the "junk" I kept was sentimental, and therefore more justifiable. I don't know if I'll ever part with my change purse that looks like a suede vest that my Grandma Jean gave me after her trip to Michigan. My AP History notebook seemed sentimental at the time, but now I think that's an experience I'd rather forget. There's a very fine line between sentimental object and excess baggage.

But getting rid of things is risky; its all trial and error. Sometimes you'll have a box that goes with you for three moves untouched, and sometimes you'll throw away a birthday card you really you wish you hadn't. My goal is just to be better about asking myself if someone in the world could use this t-shirt/flamingo clock/pair of shoes more than I could. Its easier to let go when you know your "junk" could really mean a lot to someone else.

Unfortunately, my simplicity revelation has coincided with Steve's "let's keep it but paint it green" revelation. So, if you happen to visit and all we have left in the apartment is one green coffee table, you will know why.

An Eventful Night and a Traumatizing Morning

2005-02-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Our hamster, Smokey, is very bad. She's adorable, but she is just always in trouble. (For those of you that have never had a hamster and think I'm losing my mind by reading this much into it, you will need a side-by-side comparison to Becca's clean, neat hamster, Lucy.) Anyway, over the weekend she somehow managed to get out of her cage, and got trapped between the cage and the wall. When we all got back, there was a hole the size of a saucer in our wall. We should have realized then that something had to be done to keep her where she belonged, but we assumed it was a fluke and plopped her back in.

At 3 a.m. last night, we got a knock on our bedroom door. Our roommates told us that Smokey had escaped again and they couldn't find her anywhere. We got out flashlights and searched ever nook and cranny of our room before as I sat in the hallway I saw her little pink nose poke out from under the refrigerator. We all sat around the base and put out a big plate of hamster food, peanut butter, and bran flakes hoping she would be lured out. But she seemed happy crunching away on whatever crumbs were underneat the refrigerator. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally cautiously snuck out to snack and Steve, with some difficulty, finally grabbed her. We put her back in her aquarium, took away her house, and put a pizza box on top for extra security.

As we wandered sleepily back to bed, we noticed that Steve's pillows had smears of blood, and he noticed a smudge of it on his face. Apparently he had gotten a nose bleed during the night and so he waited up a little bit to make sure it was over before we changed the pillowcase and tried to go to sleep. At that point, there had been too much activity to make going to sleep easy, but we both had an early morning and had to get some rest. We slept in until about 15 minutes before we had to leave for class, both groggy and cold.

When I got to work, I started to perk up a little bit. I created my flyer for this week, wrote some emails, and chatted with Steve on AIM. Then he broke the bad news...

WhatUpJack13: http://launch.yahoo.com/read/news/16017118
WhatUpJack13: uh.oh
WhatUpJack13: did you read it?
jackrach06: noooooooooooooooooooooo!
WhatUpJack13: im sorry
jackrach06: dammit
jackrach06: its ok
jackrach06: its only fair that they get some time with their families
WhatUpJack13: yeah
jackrach06: but bummer
jackrach06: they were getting so good

So to Mark, Tom & Travis if you're reading, I understand. I'm not happy, but I understand.

MTV Ruins Another Life

2005-02-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am fabulously excited by my chosen career path. It combines everything I am good at: writing, planning, organizing, working with people and being paranoid. It is a fairly new specific job function, even though the actual practice of relating to the public has been around forever. It combines being on the cutting edge with timeless practices that can only be learned through trial and error.

Then I saw the ad on MTV.

PoweRgirls is a new reality show about PR practicioners and their role behind every exciting event that happens in our world. Now every bleach-blonde high-schooler who didn't know what she wanted to do with her life is going to see PR as an opportunity to plan parties and hang with J. Lo. Then, this overwhelming generation of perky MTV-lovin' girls is going to be my competition.

I realize that not a lot of people understand what a challenging discipline public relations actually is, and that many of these girls will lose interest when they find out what is really involved. And just maybe, MTV will actually convey that these women are serious businesspeople who have the high-pressure job of catering to both the client and the public; women who are talented at writing, marketing, and developing a repetoire with everyone under the sun. Somehow I doubt it, though.

Its weird how MTV can ruin so many things. For example, they play a band that was relatively unknown before, a band you love, and suddenly 100,000 screaming 13 year old girls love them too. All of a sudden, guys who wear ripped jean and t-shirts and probably smell bad are "so cute!" Girls who desperately worry about breaking a nail are saying things like "I wanna be in a mosh pit" and it all goes to hell.

For Kim at 3 a.m.

2005-02-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

I know the frustration of being online and really hoping that someone you know has something new or interesting up on their website. Every day at work, I go through the fairly short process of checking through people's websites to see if they've changed. Sometimes, I'll do this two or three times during the course of a shift, and most times I come up empty-handed. I think that most people have the misconception that their own lives are not that interesting. Unless they have a fabulous story about running into Brad Pitt in Mexico or living with a rarely seen tribe of indigenous people deep within the heart of the Amazon, they figure whatever happened really isn't worth posting. But I know I'm excited when people post about some kind of weird fruit they found at the grocery store or some good movie they saw. So, without further ado, this has been my day:

I woke up at 6:10 a.m. I was not happy. Steve had to be at work by 7:30 and I had class at 8:00, so things were a little hectic. Fortunately there was just a little frost on the windshield so I managed to see most of the road without scraping it. I think it was too cold to frost. Anyway, I dropped Steve off and went to my PR Design class where we copied a project the teacher had done in InDesign. Luckily, the server crashed and we got out 15 minutes early. After that, I met Steve for breakfast and we went to Barnes & Noble to read magazines and warm up. Around 11:00 I headed to PR Campaigns. Today we interviewed the volunteer recruitment director for the Arizona Make-A-Wish foundation. Our project this semester is to work on a campaign to increase awareness of Make-A-Wish in Northern Arizona. I love the class so far, and it has made me feel very comfortable with my choice in majors. Its amazing to see people making such a difference! After that, I headed in to work where I have been for the past 3 1/2 hours. I have written two papers for my sociology class and also updated the general events website. Not too bad for a day's work! Ok, I think that's it. Hopefully it wasn't too boring!

Being a Grown Up

2005-01-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

I always believed that at some point in my life I would be overwhelmed by a sense of adulthood. There would be a millisecond where everything would change and I would no longer view the world the same way. I waited patiently as the milestones came and went. The independence that came with my driver's license was nice, but not life-alterning. My eighteenth birthday seemed very much like any other birthday, and going off to college made me feel about as changed as going off to camp. When Steve and I got engaged, I was thrilled, but I didn't feel that made me a mature woman. I pay bills, I have a credit card, and I spend about 40 hours a week on school and work. Even ordering my wedding dress made me feel more like a little girl playing dress up than a bride. Today I am 21. I can legally drink, gamble, and do pretty much anything else that supposedly makes you an adult. But these legal abilities did not come hand-in-hand with a greater understanding of the world. All of these thoughts have made me a little panicky. If I don't have the wisdom and confidence that come with adulthood now, will I ever have them? Will I get married, have a career, and potentially have children without ever feeling very much different than I did in junior high? And if I don't feel different, does that mean all of the adults that I had so much respect for and thought of as so far above me don't feel very much different than they did in junior high? Do adults just pretend they have it all together so that everyone younger than them won't panic? This has all just been too much thought for one day. Apparently I should exercise my legal rights and go get a beer and try to forget all of it.

I'm in Love!

2004-12-15T14:43:00.000-07:00

Pizza. Pizza so good I questioned whether or not I should believe in polygamy so I could marry Steve and the pizza cook. I can never go back to Pizza Hut again. That is the summary of my finals week.

You can never go home again...

2004-11-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

-- Garden State

This is the closest I could come to describing Thanksgiving. I love my family and I had a wonderful time this weekend, but by the end I wanted to go home. But where is home when its not where you grew up and its not where you live now?

This confusion seeped into every thought I had this weekend. Mostly it made me doubt my Christmas plans. I am really excited to see my Nebraska family, but it feels strange now. They don't really know who I am anymore, and I don't really know much about them. While we were growing up, Becca and I were the little girls, and everyone else was an aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandma. This was all we needed. Now, we're not little girls, so all of those relationships have changed. Now it is going to take work to redefine them.

By Sunday I realized that I am very nervous about going. I don't like flying by myself, I'm not really sure how to act once I get there, and its getting harder to spend Christmas without Steve. Unfortunately, I am not very adept to the power of positive thinking. Most likely I will just worry about it until I come back to Phoenix on December 29. There aren't really many alternatives, so I will just live through it, and hopefully be better for it.

Reconciliation

2004-11-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

So I am trying very hard to finally let go of all the anger I had about the election. What's done is done, and while I will never accept Bush as being a good President or a good man, I must shift my focus to what I personally can change. In my previous entry, when I mentioned abortion, I should have simply said that I respect and understand a woman like Mother Theresa who was against abortion, and also war, the death penalty, and apathy towards those starving to death. She truly believed every life was precious and wanted to preserve life in all of its forms. I would never, ever challenge that mindset. What I cannot understand is someone who believes abortion is the worst evil, but thinks it is cool that we have killed tens of thousands of Iraqis. Someone who fashionably wears a pro-life button, but doesn't want to deal with the children in Africa who are growing up as oprhans, many of them with the HIV virus. Apparently once they're born, they are someone else's problem. I am confused by the notion that some lives are precious and others are just target practice. I believe all life is precious and worthy of respect. I'm pretty sure that W believes that white, male, protestant, straight, upper-class lives are worthy of respect, but beyond that I have my doubts. What I must remember is that 49% of the country also sees the error in that kind of thinking. I have 50 million friends out there that I can work with over the next four years to try to make a difference. There are most likely even some fiscal conservatives who disagree with the moral madates and falsely entered wars who see the error in the extreme right's ways. The administration has nowhere to go but down, but we the people are capable of being better. And that right there is the only reason I can sleep at night.

Fear and Loathing in Flagstaff

2004-11-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. I could already sense the eerie feeling creeping over me that something wasn't right. After months of waiting for the election, I went to bed without knowing the results. This morning I told Steve that I knew Bush had won. I really, truly will never understand how anyone can like that man. I have learned an important lesson from this election, though. I now know that I could gather mass-followings if I were 10 times less intelligent, drove drunk occasionally, shirked my responsibilities, manipulated people's faith to get my way, and cared only about myself and people like me. Today, I decided to try to think like a conservative. I am a white, middle-class woman who will have a university degree in communication. I will most likely make a decent amount of money in my lifetime. My kids will live in safe, middle-class neighborhoods with other children like them. They will receive a superior education to the students in less affluent areas. They will go to college and enter a competitive job market well-prepared, middle-class and white. I have it made. I can wear my cute Gap soccer-mom outfits and never worry about another person if I don't want to. But, my question is, does that give me the right to completely ignore that other kids won't have health care even though mine will? Do I have the right to condemn and scorn pregnant women who consider abortion, but then ignore their starving, sickly baby when its born? Do I have the right to make $250,000 a year and complain that too much of it goes to social welfare that will help those who are not as fortunate as myself? We have a middle-class misconception in this country that because we are handed every opportunity, other people who do not achieve the same status must be lazy. They don't deserve to live long, healthy, happy lives. We don't have to help, because we worked so hard to get where we are. I have to work (barely) part-time while all of my schooling is paid for by a university who practically begged me to attend. Poor me. I have it so hard. Those single mothers working multiple minimum wage jobs just to provide for the latch-key children they barely get to see are f*cking sloths compared to me. Oh wait... one more thing. Since I am saved by the grace of Jesus Christ and he will provide for me, who cares if I do anything good for humanity? God doesn't like most of those people, so why should I? I think I finally have the republican mindset down.

Happy Halloween!

2004-10-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

I actually completely forgot that it was Halloween weekend until I saw the Today show this morning. By the way, Matt Lauer as Paris Hilton is very scary! It's sad how holidays become so much less important as you get older. There's not the same excitement. As Steve mentioned we did get invited to a sociologists-get-loaded Halloween party, but that's not nearly as much fun as trick-or-treating. As I think back on my costumes, I was kind of a weird kid. I remember dressing up as a journalist, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Cinderella before the fairy godmother, a princess (not with a tiara, with a big cone hat that had a flowy scarfy coming out the top), a spider queen (I made that one up, it was jut black with a spidery-looking cape), and one year my friends and I went as the cast of the Wizard of Oz (I think I ended up being Toto). It was never the traditional witch, ghost, or beautiful princess. Looking back on my high school costumes is even worse. I went as a dead prom queen, a cheerleader, and then nothing that I can recall the last two years. It is never a good sign when your costume is what the girl who sits next to you in math wears on a regular basis. Point taken. And then it just dropped off! No good halloween costumes/celebration in the past four years! Steve and I thought of having a party, but we realized we didn't know enough people to invite. Oh well... My family is coming this weekend and hopefully we can get nostalgic over carving pumpkins and watching scary movies, even if it won't be a super-fun costume party! It's probably a little too chilly to dress up anyway.

California Deamin'

2004-10-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

It snowed last week. Right now all of my friends in Las Vegas and Phoenix are thinking, "Ooh, fun!" Well right now all of my friends in Las Vegas and Phoenix are wrong. While they're playing in beautiful 75 degree weather, wearing light jackets at night more out of fashion than necessity, I am wading through 2 feet of mucky, muddy snow while the hair, that was not quite dry when I left the house, freezes to my face! I have learned over that past two year that I am a warm weather person. I like wearing t-shirts and capri pants and flip flops. I like swimming and eating ice cream and drinking light caramel frappucinos while I'm driving in my air conditioned car with my sun glasses on. I do not like creeping out into the bleak gray with layers upon layers of clothing on, drinking tea that gets cold before it can steep. Now, you are right, I am being overdramatic, and a little shallow, but I am suffering from summer withdrawal. I don't remember having a summer. There was a long winter, a month of spring, two months of rain, a week of fall, and then snow again! The only moments I was truly happy were in those brilliantly bright and happy days in Las Vegas, Phoenix, and California! The only problem is, now that I have gained this insight about myself, I can't do a whole lot about it besides making lots of trips out of here this winter and counting down the days until its summer again. Only about 210 left to go!